Gravity
by adiwriting
Summary: In the twenty-one years that Kurt and Blaine have known each other and loved each other, they've only uttered the words "goodbye" five times. Not even with a loving kiss goodnight after a first date or the end of a phone call. The words have always signaled something more permanent for them. *5/1 Companion piece to A Minute From the Deep End*
1. January 1, 2016

It's not Blaine's finest day. For starters, he hasn't gotten much sleep. The New Year's Eve party he had been at the night before had gone until three in the morning and it had taken at least two hours to get home in the crowds. Now Kurt is banging around in the kitchen at seven in the morning for absolutely no good reason and it's impossible for Blaine to go back to sleep.

On top of that there's the sheer amount of alcohol that is still coursing through his system, making him regret going out at all last night. He can barely sit up without the room spinning, but he needs to make it to the bathroom. He needs to shower the stench of cigarettes, stale beer, and sweat off of his body and quite possibly throw up once or twice. Yes, he was definitely going to be sick this morning. Drinking always made him have horrible hangovers, which is why he often avoided it.

However, and here's the real kicker, the actual reason why this was shaping up to be a shitty day was that Kurt had walked in a few minutes ago and given him the most pitiful look. As if he knew that he was going to be spending the day taking care of Blaine and there was nothing he wanted to do less. Somehow, Blaine had become a burden to Kurt. Sure, Kurt still doted on him like he always had, but lately it wasn't done out of love, it was done out of obligation. Didn't _that_ just make him feel like the shittiest person in the world?

No wonder Kurt had ditched him for a working dinner last night without a second thought. _Blaine_ didn't even want to be around Blaine anymore; could he really blame Kurt?

"Are you showering?" Kurt walks into the bedroom and gives him a bored look.

"Will you shower for me?" Blaine says, trying his best to send him a charming smile. It doesn't quite reach his eyes once he realizes that Kurt is not amused. That isn't something that they do anymore.

"I have to meet Jean-Luc for lunch soon, so if you want breakfast you're going to have to get up," he says and leaves the room before Blaine can answer. It's not a question. Kurt is cooking for Blaine and Blaine had better get up and eat some of it.

Cursing the gods that found it appropriate to invent alcohol, Blaine slowly rolls out of bed and manages to stumble across the room and into their bathroom without falling over. He calls it a win; he knows it's the best he can hope for from today—that he can scrape through without serious injury.

After a quick shower, he's feeling a little bit more alive. At least he feels well enough that he can dress himself and walk into the kitchen. He never really feels completely alive anymore, more like a ghost than his former self. They tell him that this will pass, every day it will get easier. He thinks it's bullshit. Losing his father isn't something he's just going to get over one day, but arguing this fact is too exhausting.

"What happened last night?" Kurt asks from his spot by the door. He's putting on his boots, getting ready to leave. His voice sounds distracted, uninterested. He already knows the answer. It's the same answer Blaine always gives; he doesn't know why Kurt even bothers asking anymore. Keeping up appearances, Blaine figures.

"I don't know," he shrugs, sitting down to the omelet and toast Kurt has set out for him. The eggs cause his stomach to flip a bit, but not enough to prevent Blaine from eating them. He knows it'll be better once he has food in his system.

"Okay," Kurt says, before heading out the door.

It's the first time that Kurt hasn't suggested therapy. That he hasn't tried to tell Blaine that medication could help with the anxiety attacks. In retrospect, this should be the first thing that clues Blaine in that his life is about to change forever. At the moment he just can't help but feel grateful that he doesn't have to spend his lazy New Year's Day arguing about treatments.

After he finishes breakfast and cleans up the kitchen a bit—because god forbid anybody leave a dirty dish in Kurt Hummel's kitchen—Blaine settles in to watch a movie on the couch. He's got at least another week and a half before classes start up again and he fully intends to enjoy these days with nothing to do as much as he can now.

About halfway through _The Hills Have Eyes _(he's been on a horror kick recently, the gore fascinates him), Blaine's phone starts to go off. He makes his way over to answer the call, knowing that there are only a small handful of people that could be calling him today and each and every one of them will just keep calling until he answers. They all know him well enough by now to know that he's too far into this funk to deal with others. Why they don't ever take the hint and leave him alone, he doesn't know. Secretly he's grateful that they care enough about him not to let him slip too far off the edge.

"Hello," he answers.

"Hey," Wes says, sounding somewhat cheerful considering the night they both had. "How are you feeling?"

"Like death, but it's getting better," he says, flopping back down on the couch.

"That's good," he says, trailing off like he wants to say more but doesn't know how to ask.

"I'm fine," Blaine says, knowing that Wes is worried about the panic attack he had last night.

It was stupid. He always felt so stupid when they happened. It is never over anything serious, _that_ he could understand. No, they are always the simplest things that set him off. Something that reminds him of his father; a stranger standing too close. Shit, one time he had a panic attack watching an episode of Friends. They are horrifying. The way that his throat closes up and his head starts to cloud like he is underwater. Once his mind clears and his breathing goes back to normal, he always feels so ashamed.

Normal people can go about their lives without problems. Normal people don't have anxiety attacks at New Year's Eve parties and end up locking themselves in a coat closet until their boyfriend gets called to rescue them. It's embarrassing.

"You know, my dad's a therapist," Wes says, trying to sound casual, but he knows where this conversation is heading.

"Can we not?" Blaine asks, sighing deeply. "I can't do this today."

"I'm just trying to help," he says. "You haven't been yourself since your dad died. I don't think he would have wanted to see you like this."

"You don't know what my dad would have wanted. He didn't care about my happiness," Blaine snaps, a bitter tone in his voice. He feels bad instantly. He hates that his temper does this to the people that he cares about, but he doesn't know how to control it. Not anymore.

"Fine, I'll drop it for now," Wes says. "I met a girl last night."

"God help us all," Blaine teases. It's not an apology, but it's the best he can manage.

"Hey, now," he says with an easy laugh. "I don't know why you hate every girl that I date."

"Because they are all way too serious for you. You date these future lawyer types and the two of you end up spending your free time discussing world politics and BAR exams. You need somebody who's going to help you loosen up, not wind you tighter."

"She's an interior designer," Wes says, smugly.

"Well this sounds promising… when is the wedding?" he asks.

With that they fall into an easy conversation. Blaine appreciates that Wes can so easily forget all of the mistakes that he makes and just be his friend. They've always had an easy relationship, Wes playing the calm and mature one to Blaine's overenthusiastic at times, crazy ideas. It's Wes that Blaine had always looked up to and aspired to be back in high school when he was still trying to find himself. It's Wes who taught him confidence and maturity. He's one of Blaine's best friends and he hopes he can get over this depression riddled craze that he's in before he manages to push him away.

Before he pushes everyone away.

Several hours later, Blaine is sitting at the kitchen table watching as Kurt moves around preparing dinner. It's been awhile since they got to eat a meal together. Usually their schedules don't line up enough for them to share more than five minutes together here and there. He's looking forward to a quiet meal and maybe a nice movie together cuddled up on the couch.

He thinks that some quality one on one time with Kurt might help him forget about his problems for a little bit. He's never admitted this out loud, but he sometimes wonders if this funk has been harder to kick because his rock has been away for too long.

"I think we need to talk about last night," Kurt says, dropping noodles into the boiling water for the pasta he's preparing.

"I know," Blaine says, picking at a scratch in the wood of their table, the one that was too small for the area but that Kurt had insisted was essential for their apartment. _We can't eat at the coffee table, Blaine!_

"I don't want to see a therapist, though," he continues. "They'll just ask me a bunch of questions that I won't know the answer to and I'll feel awkward. I don't like talking to strangers."

"You won't talk to anybody, though." Kurt sighs.

"It'll get better, I just need to get through the holidays," Blaine says with mock confidence. He has no idea if this thing will ever pass.

Kurt doesn't respond to that. He focuses his attention on putting their meal together and avoids catching Blaine's eye. Blaine has to wonder if this is about last night. If Kurt is still upset that he got called out of a business dinner to come and babysit him. Blaine wants to be frustrated, to tell him that it's his own fault for ditching him. Kurt was supposed to be at the party with them, he had promised Blaine when he couldn't go back to Ohio with him for Christmas that they would spend New Year's together. He doesn't want to upset him more. Not today, when Kurt won't stop looking at him like he was a child, like he was incapable of making any decision on his own.

Once dinner is on the table, he listens quietly as Kurt rambles on and on about responsibilities, school, the funeral, anxiety attacks and it all keeps coming back to the same thing. Kurt can't do this anymore.

Blaine and Kurt have fought a lot over the years. No couple can be together for five years without their share of hiccups. There have been drunken missteps, texting scandals, long distance insecurities and, of course, the bickering that comes from adjusting to living with your boyfriend for the first time. So by now Blaine is pretty confident that they can make it through anything, even this horribly suffocating thing that seems to be consuming him. They love each other and they want forever, so they will make it work.

This isn't _it's not right, but it's okay_. It's not screaming _whatever, fine, I don't need you_ drunkenly at a bar Christmas Eve. This is different. It feels so different this time. Blaine starts to wonder if he is the only one fighting for forever. If that is the case, the two of them don't stand a chance. Blaine lost most of his fight for anything when his father died two months ago. If Kurt isn't with him on this, and it would appear that he isn't, then Blaine is terrified that this is it.

It's ironic, after over a month of being too busy to fit time together into their schedules, the day they finally come together is the day that Kurt tells him they are falling apart.

"Are you listening to anything that I'm saying?" he snaps at him angrily.

Blaine slams his hand down on the kitchen table barely able to control his rage.

"Yeah, I'm listening," Blaine bites back, not holding back now. Not now that he knows his life is about to fall apart more than he ever thought possible. Not now that the person who was supposed to glue him back together was throwing him away. "I'm listening to you justify choosing your job over me, _again_."

He's heard his friends' grumblings that Kurt has changed. He's defended his boyfriend time and time again, explaining that he was just tired. That he didn't mean to blow them off. That, _no, Kurt hadn't meant to tell you that dress makes you look like a pregnant hooker, he was just stressed. It's gorgeous on you_.

All of that has been a joke, because obviously Kurt has changed. He doesn't even care that Blaine had had a panic attack at the party last night and had to lock himself in a closet to get away from all of the suffocating stares. No, all that he cares about is that Wes had to pull him away from an important dinner meeting.

Kurt hadn't even asked if he was okay, last night. He'd shown up, sure. He'd coaxed Blaine out of the closet, gotten him water and an anxiety pill that he'd gotten from god knows where. But the entire time, Blaine had been an unwelcome obligation. He never asked how Blaine was. There was no soft whispers of _I love you_ and _Come back to me, love_. There was no apology for leaving Blaine at the crowded New Year's party to begin with. There was nothing.

This isn't Kurt. Blaine hasn't exactly been a stellar boyfriend as of late, but his dad had died, what does Kurt expect? Isn't his boyfriend of five years supposed to be a little more understanding? It's not like Blaine tries to be like this. It's not like Blaine wants to be tired all the time, so desperately unhappy. He can't control the fact that crowds now make him anxious. This is temporary, as much as it feels like it will be permanent. It's one of the stages of grief, a stage he could probably get through much faster if his boyfriend were ever home to help him. If he could just talk to Kurt without feeling like he's bothering him.

"You are sick and you won't get help," Kurt says. "I don't know how to deal with this." There are tears in his eyes, but Blaine doesn't feel pity for him. All he's got left is his anger.

"Be home! Don't leave for your job when you're supposed to be at a party with me!"

"It was Steven Swartz, what was I supposed to tell my boss? Sorry I can't come to a meeting of a lifetime, I've got plans to go to a college party with my boyfriend?" He throws his hands up, frustrated. "You used to support me; are you really this selfish?"

"You used to give a damn about me, about your friends. Don't talk to me about being selfish," he says, willing himself not to cry. Not to give Kurt the satisfaction of his tears.

"If this is about Rachel again I already told you, that's as much her fault as it is mine."

"Oh, my God!" Blaine screams, unable to control the rage inside of himself. "This is about _you_!"

"If I'm so horrible, why are you still here?" Kurt asks.

"You know, sometimes I wonder," Blaine says, not really knowing how much of his words are the truth and how much are just said out of spite.

"We can't keep doing this to each other," Kurt says. "I obviously can't be here for you like you need. You don't let me help you and you _need_ help. I need somebody that will support me and stop asking me to give up my dreams just so he can be happy. It's not healthy."

"So you're just going to give up because we've hit a rough patch?" Blaine asks, defeated. "This isn't you, you fight for things."

"And you _care_ about things. About life," he says. "You know how many times I walk through this door terrified that you're not going to be here? That you're going to hurt yourself? It's not right. I don't understand why you won't just get help."

"I don't understand why _you_ won't help me."

"I try!"

"Asking me what's wrong when I don't want to talk isn't trying," Blaine says. "It's just speaking for the sake of making yourself feel better."

"This is what I'm talking about. I can't be with you when you are like this," he says, his voice going high like it often does when he's frustrated.

"Nothing I do ever makes you happy."

"All I've ever asked is for you to be happy; that's all I've ever wanted," Kurt says, shaking his head and biting his lip like he does when he's trying not to get upset.

"And now that I'm not the happy go lucky cheerleader you're breaking up with me," Blaine says, resigned.

"I don't know how to do this. I don't know what you need from me, and you need so much. You deserve to be with somebody that can take the time to help you," Kurt says not bothering to hide the tears.

Well, let him cry, Blaine thinks bitterly. If he is going to throw away years of hard work and happy memories because Blaine isn't perfect for once, then fuck him. He deserves to cry. He should feel bad.

"I deserve somebody that understands love is more important than any job," Blaine says.

"My job is my passion. It's what I love to do. I do understand that it's the most important thing." Kurt crosses his arms across his chest, no longer trying to make Blaine understand. Now he's just digging in for a fight.

"But you love it more than you love me," Blaine says, nodding his head and waving Kurt off. He doesn't want to hear his response. Anything he says will hurt.

"I shouldn't have to choose," Kurt says. "I'll always love you—"

"Don't," Blaine cuts him off. "If you don't want me anymore, fine. But don't you dare try to tell me that we can be friends or you'll always be there or whatever bullshit line you're about to feed me. Save it. If you're going to throw this away, own it. At least do me the dignity of ending it properly."

"Fine," Kurt says, his voice clipped. "Goodbye, Blaine."

Blaine instantly feels suffocated. He's never once, in all the years with Kurt, heard him say goodbye. Not even in the casual ending of a phone call. They had come to a mutual understanding long ago that was a word they would never utter to each other. Something promised early on when their relationship was still so fresh and new and there were so many questions of if they could make it work with a two hour distance between them. It was a promise they both took very seriously over the years.

It's this one little word that finally breaks Blaine completely.

He stands up and runs out of their apartment, slamming the door before Kurt can see him begin hyperventilating. He presses the elevator button repeatedly, willing it to come faster, but also secretly hoping it won't come at all. That Kurt will open the door and drag him back inside. That he'll say he's sorry and didn't mean it. But the elevator door opens, dinging loudly—too cheerfully—at him. The apartment door remains closed.

Blaine gets in and presses the button to the first floor. He curls his arms around his stomach. He can feel himself falling. He wonders if he lets go of his death grip all of his insides will just fall right out. He feels sick.

In the back of his mind, the small part that is capable of rational thought at the moment, he realizes that he must look terrifying. He is close to suffocation. His throat is filled by his tears and he can't catch his breath. It feels like he's drowning. His head is being held underwater and he can't remember how to swim. It's been so long since he's had to paddle on his own.

He loses himself for several hours. Lost to memories and caught up in nightmares. He vaguely remembers being pulled out of the street—unsure if he actually walked in front of that taxi or the taxi had run a light. He thinks that he might have wandered through water at some point because his shoes are wet and starting to freeze into ice that cuts up his feet. He doesn't remember anymore than bits and pieces of any of it.

Not like a sane person should. It feels like he's watching somebody else's life. Like he has detached from reality and floated up and now just watches life pass by from above, never having any affect on anything.

It's late when he finally starts to come to again, or possibly very early. The sun is starting to peek up from between the tall buildings, welcoming in a new day. It does nothing to melt the ice that he has become. He's trembling from the cold, but he's pretty sure he'd still be trembling if he was wrapped in a million blankets. It's his heart that's turned to ice now. He doesn't know if there can ever be a cure for that.

Blaine is curled up in between two pillars in an underpass, enjoying the serenity that being almost completely hidden grants him. It makes him calm to know that nobody else can see him, nobody can silently judge him. Nobody ever has to touch him again so long as he stays here.

His peace is short lived, because soon a familiar voice is calling his name.

"Blaine," Rachel yells, sounding over-dramatic but also sincerely worried.

"Blaine!" she yells again. This time he tries to get up and go to her, if she keeps yelling like that in an area like this she's going to attract some very unwanted attention. He tries to move but his limbs are paralyzed. He can't move. His body seems to have finally caught up with his heart—frozen.

"Oh, thank God," she says, turning the corner and spotting him through the small opening between the pillars. "Your lips are blue, what were you thinking?"

Blaine just shrugs and lets her mother him. She takes off her scarf, hat and mittens, putting them on him to try and warm him up. He had left in only a sweatshirt and jeans, too hysterical to grab anything more substantial. He wonders if he's caught his that would be a good thing; it might finally silence the demons in his head.

"You can be grateful you had the GPS on your phone on, otherwise we never would have found you," she says, pulling him to his feet.

He wonders who _we_ is. He knows who he wants it to be, but the likelihood that Kurt came looking for him now is slim. He'd cut Blaine out precisely so he could stop having to do things like this.

Leading him up a hill until they are back on a main road, she sits him down at a bench while she simultaneously makes a phone call and tries to hail them a cab.

"I've got him," she says, suddenly sounding so tired. "Yeah, no I think he's fine. He's nearly frozen to death, but he should be alright. Thank you... Nope, I'll take him to my place... I'll talk to you when I know more... Bye, Wes."

Wes. Of course, the only two people that gave a damn about him in New York now: Wes and Rachel. What an interesting group the three of them made.

"We broke up," Blaine says just loud enough for her to hear. The words sound foreign on his lips. He wants to blame it on how violently his lips are shaking, but he knows it's because he never expected he'd have to say those three words.

God, is this his life now? Is he going to have to tell everyone he runs across that _no he doesn't know how Kurt's doing, they broke up_. _I'm sorry, I don't need a plus one, I'm single._ Single. He hasn't been single since sophomore year of high school. It's so long ago that he's nearly forgotten what it's like to not have somebody to share his life with.

Rachel stops, hand still raised for a taxi. She stares at him in a mixture of shock, pity and anger.

"Excuse me?" she says, her nostrils flaring and teeth gritting, she looks ready to kill.

Blaine has no explanation to give, not at the moment. Maybe after he's had some sleep and can process things a little bit better, maybe then he'll understand. Maybe then he'll start to feel some of the guilt for pushing Kurt away so he could selfishly watch Kurt pull him in closer, because now he's pushed him too far.

"He sent Wes a text saying that he thought you were having another episode. He didn't say that he was the cause of it. What a selfish asshole," she rants. New York has hardened her, made her words harsher and outbursts more violent. It's understandable, New York has changed them all and Rachel's had to deal with the ugliness of the city way more than the rest of them have.

"He can't do this!" Rachel yells, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Well, he did," Blaine says.

He watches as she takes several calming breaths. She paces back and forth until the anger is gone and then makes her way over to sit next to him. She pulls him into a warm hug and he can't help but sob into her shoulder.

"It's okay," she whispers softly into his ear, rubbing his back. "Shh, it's okay. We'll get you through this. You won't be alone."

"I don't have anything left," he cries, clutching to her hard like she might disappear, too. "I lost my dad; my family is all the way back in Ohio and handling this no better than I am. Kurt doesn't want me anymore... I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have a home and I don't have anyone to love me!"

"Hey, no," she says soothingly. "I know how much this hurts. I know it feels like there's nothing left, but you'll get through this. You helped me when I thought I had nothing and I'm going to help you. I won't leave you."

"I wasn't good enough for him," Blaine whispers, barely able to confess what's been plaguing him for so long. Whether he means his father or Kurt, he's not sure, but it applies all the same. It's the fear he's always held. The one that Kurt had managed to quell right up until his father died.

"No, none of that," she says. "You're perfect, and if he can't see that then..."

Rachel cuts herself off when he glares at her. He might not be happy with Kurt at the moment, but he isn't nearly to the point where he's ready to start bashing him.

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Blaine asks, nervous that she might say no. "I don't know how to sleep alone."

"Yeah," she says, giving him one final pat on the back before standing up again to get them a cab to her apartment. "It'll be just like the sleepovers we used to have in high school."

"I don't mean to be like this," he apologizes. The last thing he needs is to start being a burden to Rachel like he had been to Kurt. He needs to get better before he loses everybody. He will get better. He promises himself that this is the last time he's going to let himself fall apart like this. After he gets some sleep, he's going to sign up for sessions at the school clinic.

"I'm going to get past this."

"I know you will," she says with a smile.

"Don't leave?" he asks softly.

"Never."

He's not sure when it happened. When Rachel became his person: the one that he confessed his deepest, darkest insecurities to. He doesn't know when he stopped leaning on Kurt and started leaning on Rachel instead.

He thinks it started when Rachel's record deal went south. She was taken advantage of and her talent was abused until there was almost nothing left. Blaine understood the feelings of worthlessness she had. He had been there for her when Kurt was just starting his internship and barely even noticed anything was wrong with her.

Now the two of them together just feels natural. An easy friendship based on the understanding that they can say whatever they want to each other and not be judged for how they feel. That no matter what, they will carry each other's secrets to the grave.

Blaine doesn't go back to the apartment he shared with Kurt. Rachel goes over to his place to pack up enough essentials for him to live off of for a few weeks. She won't tell him what happened when she was there. All he knows is that Rachel came back from Kurt's with red-rimmed eyes and a forced smile that tells him not to fight this. That Kurt's mind can't be changed.

He had meant it when he said goodbye. Now it was up to Blaine to figure out how to swim on his own without sinking.


	2. May 19, 2016

It's been awhile since Blaine's really thought about the possibility of somebody else. He's entertained the occasional man or two—almost always at Rachel's insistence. There had been Stefan from Rachel's tap class. He had lasted two weeks and three dates before he'd proven to be far too dramatic for Blaine. The two of them together were like a telenovela, him constantly rattling off Spanish and Blaine crying all the time. Rachel's well intended matchmaking had only let to Blaine showing up at Kurt's doorstep and the two of them getting back together for a whole two days.

There have been a few other attempts. Three to be exact. Not one has lasted longer than dinner on the first date. The reality is he has been waiting for Kurt to get his head out of his ass and finally confess that their break up had been a mistake. That much is obvious when they can't go more than two weeks without one of them showing up on the other's doorstep. For four months they have been playing this game where Kurt confesses that he still loves Blaine, only to get scared and back out of it in the morning.

This guy, Jake, he feels different. This feels like something that Blaine can make work. For the first time since the big break up, Blaine is able to picture his life with somebody that isn't Kurt. It's not all of the time, but he's having moments. Moments where a life without Kurt doesn't seem like it will drown him. This is huge for him. He wonders what Rachel will think when he tells her. She's been nagging for him to give up on Kurt since that first night she found him wandering the streets of New York, lost and alone.

Blaine and Rachel make their way into a swanky club uptown on Tuesday night. Mercedes has finally booked a gig in New York and they had jumped at the possibility of finally seeing her perform live. For the past year she's been posting videos of performances and tracks from her upcoming album on Facebook, making them all incredibly jealous, yet proud, of her success. They both have early classes the next morning, but this is worth it.

Besides, Rachel doesn't trust Blaine to go to a bar alone. She claims he has self-destructive tendencies. It works out fine for Blaine, who still isn't entirely sure that Rachel is ready to see Mercedes succeed in the business when her own career has gone so horribly wrong. They both are there to keep an eye on each other just as much as they are there to support their old friend.

"So tell me about your doctor," Rachel says as he pays for their drinks at the bar.

"He's not a doctor," he clarifies as the two of them make their way over to an empty table near the front with a clear view of the stage.

"No, but he will be," she says with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows.

"I don't know," he shrugs, thinking back to his date Saturday night. It had been a bit of a disaster to be honest, but it had all worked out well in the end. Mortifying, but well. "He's nice."

"Nice?" she says, crossing her arms and glaring at him. "You didn't get in until 4 in the morning; you're going to have to give me more than nice."

"He took me out for Mexican food at that place around the corner from where Wes lives," he says.

"Fun," she says, gesturing with her arms that he needs to continue.

"Sure, it was fun for about fifteen minutes until I had a severe allergic reaction and had to go to the hospital," he says with a laugh. It's easier to laugh about it now that he's healthy again and he's with Rachel. She's seen him through much worse than an ill-timed allergic reaction.

"Excuse me?" she asks, her eyes bugging out of her head comically.

"Apparently I'm allergic to avocados, who knew?" he says waving it off like it isn't important. He knows that she's just going to keep fishing for more, and that's actually fine with him. For once, he's actually excited to share his dates with Rachel. For once, he's actually got something worth telling.

"What did he do?"

"What any gentleman would do," Blaine says with a smug smile. "He took me to the hospital and stayed with me the entire night until they released me. Then he bought me ice cream and walked me home."

"Impressive," Rachel says, nodding her head in approval. "I like this guy. I hope you didn't scare him off."

Blaine pulls out his phone and shows her a picture that Jake had taken of him while they were waiting at the clinic. His face is red and swollen and he looks like Quasimodo.

"Gross," she says with a grimace. "I guess a second date is out of the question."

"Ye of so little faith," he teases with a click of his tongue. "We are going out again on Thursday. He promised me an avocado free night."

"He must really like you," she says with a smile. "I'm happy for you. He sounds really sweet and you deserve this."

They are cut off from any further conversation by the sound of applause as Mercedes makes her way onstage along with her accompanist. She sends them a quick wink when she spots them and goes right into her set. It's a decent mix of Top 40 standards like Adele, soul music like Otis Redding and Aretha, as well as a healthy dose of original songs. The crowd seems to really be into the performance, which makes Blaine happy. He's glad she's doing so well in a business that isn't always so welcoming. He feels for Rachel as he watches Mercedes wishing that there was a way he could convince her to get back onstage again. He knows that is something that will have to come in its own time. For now, he's just happy he's managed to convince her to stay in dance and vocal classes.

"Wow, I didn't know her range could get much better," Rachel says quietly to him. "I wonder if she's been taking lessons from anybody."

"She looks good, too," he responds. "Happy, at least."

Rachel nods, and he's a bit worried at the far off look in her eyes but he lets it go for the moment. They can't exactly have heartfelt conversation right here in the middle of the set. Besides, maybe it will be good for Rachel to see Mercedes like this, glowing with life, getting to do what she loves. Maybe it will help her get back into performing again. It's been almost a year since she was last on stage. It's been several months since he's heard her sing anywhere but the shower and even that was because she thought he wasn't home.

"Is she writing her own songs?" Blaine asks, but when Rachel leans back in her seat to answer him, her eyes suddenly go wide.

"What is he doing here?" she asks more to herself than him, her eyes focused on a spot behind him.

Blaine turns to see what she's staring at and his stomach does a little flip when he notices Kurt walking in with Jean-Luc, taking a seat at one of the back tables. He instinctually ducks down low in his seat and puts his hand up to block his face from view. He doesn't know why he does it exactly; it's hardly the first time they've run into each other since the break up. Still, he continues to hide from view, not knowing if he really is ready to see Kurt today.

A part of him aches to call out and say hello. To smile and wave and show Kurt that he's doing just fine without him. Hell, if maybe Kurt looks at him—strong and confident again now that he's taking anti-anxiety medication—and decides to take him back, well, Blaine would be alright with that.

Rachel is glaring in Kurt's direction. He can tell that she doesn't think Kurt deserves to be here. She gives Blaine a look, as if it is somehow his fault that his ex has shown up. He wonders if she thinks he invited him. He wants to laugh. He's not stupid enough to think that he can invite Kurt anywhere before midnight and have him show up. He's not even sure how Kurt's gotten out of work to come in the first place. Perhaps Mercedes' show is just a better reason than he's ever given Kurt to ditch out of work early.

"They are friends," Blaine says, by way of an explanation when Rachel won't stop looking at him like that.

She scoffs at that, rolling her eyes. "So was I, do you want to know how many of my gigs he went to?"

"Can we not?" he asks, tired of this game already. He feels bad for her, he really does. He knows firsthand how horrible it feels to have Kurt miss something important, but that doesn't mean they should feel jealous now. Mercedes deserves all the support she can get and if Kurt wants to show up and support her, then lucky her.

"I'm just saying," Rachel grumbles, downing the rest of her martini and turning back to the stage as Mercedes starts up with "Ain't No Way." It's as moving as it was the first time he heard her singing it back in high school.

He can't help but continue to look back slyly, wondering if Kurt has noticed they are here. He wonders if Kurt remembers this song and that Mercedes had sung it for the Night of Neglect. That it had been the first night the two of them had really made out. The first time they had gone beyond the touch of the lips but instead pressed up against each other in the men's bathroom, tongues fighting for dominance and hands clutching for more until Kurt had gotten hard and pulled away, embarrassed. That night still stands out vividly in Blaine's mind.

He wonders if Kurt ever pictures it, too.

"Stop it," Rachel says, with a warning tone. She kicks him lightly under the table.

"Oww, Jesus. I'm not doing anything," he whines, rubbing his shin. He misses the Mary Janes she used to wear all the time. The pointed-toed heels hurt a lot more when she kicks him—which is far more often than she should.

"Sure," she says with a knowing nod and goes back to watching the show.

"I'm going to get us more drinks," he says and before Rachel can stop him, he is on his feet and moving back to the bar. He doesn't know what possesses him to do it. He isn't planning on going up to talk to Kurt, not as long as his boss (friend, lover? Blaine always wonders if those two are anything more) is with him, at least. Perhaps Kurt will see him and...

No, he's not _that_ guy. He's not that pathetic. He just needs another drink, that is all.

He orders another martini for Rachel and a rum and coke for himself, beer isn't going to cut it tonight. He knows that Rachel will judge him for it, remind him that he's not technically supposed to be mixing alcohol with his anti-anxiety meds, but he doesn't really care. It's shaping up to be one of those nights for him. It's a shame; the day had started out so well.

His phone goes off in his pocket as he waits for his drinks. He pulls it out to look at the text he's received, smirking when he realizes it's from Kurt. He purposefully keeps his head down so that Kurt won't be able to see his reaction.

_To Blaine: I thought we agreed those jeans were too indecent for public outings ;) _

He's typing out a reply when a second text comes in, this time from Rachel.

_To Blaine: Don't you dare start sexting in the middle of your friend's show. _

He bites his lip, wanting so bad to respond back. To flirt a little and remind Kurt how fun the two of them used to be together, but he knows that Rachel is right. For starters, it's rude to text through Mercedes' set. She's a powerful artist and deserves their unwavering attention and respect. But also, he really should make Kurt work for it a little bit harder than that.

The drinks arrive and he pockets his phone without responding, returning to his seat. His phone goes off one or two more times while they are sitting there, but he doesn't answer it. He's itching to see what Kurt's saying, but he holds back. Kurt likes to work for things; maybe he just needs to be reminded of how nice it can be when he puts in the extra effort...

After the show wraps up, Rachel and he duck out. It's already incredibly late and the stage door is crowded with fans wanting their chance at an autograph and picture with Sony's newest recording artist. They want to stop by and tell her how good she was, make sure she knows how proud they are of her. It can wait for tomorrow, they decide. There are already plans to meet up with her for lunch and they should really be getting home.

"I can't wait for her album to come out now, that was amazing," he says once they are outside and the air isn't so stifling. There is thankfully a light breeze blowing tonight, it had been hot inside. His hair was already starting to curl up, despite the gel.

"I cannot believe he has the audacity to text you after everything that he's done," Rachel says, completely ignoring his comment about Mercedes. Whether this is her way of diverting the topic away from her own issues or if this is just Rachel being overly nosey and pushy, he can't tell.

Either way, they have a least a half hour commute before they are home again and he fully expects her to read him the riot act the entire way.

"In his defense, I'm not the easiest person to date," he says. Yes, he's going to therapy now and slowly getting better, but the more sessions he attends the more he starts to realize how far into his depression he sank last semester. It doesn't justify all of Kurt's behavior but, perhaps, it's time that they admitted that Blaine wasn't exactly blameless in this.

"In his defense?" she waves him off like he's out of his mind for even suggesting it. "There is no, "in his defense". He's the one that gave up on you, not the other way around."

Blaine wants to say more on the topic, but he's cut off by a familiar ring coming from his pocket. They are just at the top of the stairs, about to go down and catch the subway. Rachel is a few steps ahead of him, but she freezes when she hears it.

"Don't you dare," she says, moving quickly to try and grab the phone out of his hands before he can answer it.

"Let go," he yells at her, tugging to get out of her grasp. He feels silly, fighting over a cell phone at the subway stop. There are people passing by giving them strange looks. He doesn't blame them. She is acting like a child, trying to wrestle his phone out of his hands.

"You can't talk to him," she says, jumping up to try and reach it from where he's holding it above both of their heads. He's only got a few inches on her, but it's enough to keep her at bay. She tries to pull on his arm and he just pushes her away. She's like an annoying older sister that he never asked for.

"Stop," he says, embarrassed at the scene they are causing, but also upset. He really wants to talk to Kurt. This is the first time he's called Blaine in weeks, what if it's something important? What if he's calling to apologize?

The phone stops ringing before he has a chance to answer it. She gives him a smug look and turns to walk down the stairs.

"Are you happy now? You're such a brat," he grumbles, turning to follow her.

"I don't understand why you would even want to talk to him," she starts. She continues to rant at him the entire way down the stairs and is so into her tirade that she doesn't notice him slyly pressing the callback button.

"I was beginning to think you were ignoring me," Kurt answers the phone, sounding completely carefree and just as sexy as Blaine remembers him being.

"Should I be?" he answers back with a flirtatious laugh. He misses this, misses flirting. Back when they were still together, they had lost this. They stopped having fun together; he likes hearing Kurt's confident voice as he tries to seduce Blaine. It reminds him of all the happy memories they share together, instead of just the painful ones.

"Blaine Jacob Anderson!" Rachel yells loud enough to turn several heads. She whips her head around and looks ready to murder him. "Hang up that phone!"

"Uh, oh." Kurt laughs. "Did I get you in trouble with the baby sitter?"

"What are you doing?" Rachel asks him, running back up the stairs to where he is. She tries to pull the phone out of his hands but he pushes her away.

"Fine, do whatever you want. I'm not buying you ice cream when Kurt breaks your heart this time. You know he will, because he's a self-centered asshole that doesn't care about anyone but himself." She says the last part purposefully loud enough for Kurt to hear.

"Tell Rachel not to worry so much, it creates wrinkles and she already looks middle-aged in this town," Kurt says, the playful edge to his voice gone. He's looking for blood with his comment. It makes Blaine sad; he still remembers when those two had been the best of friends. He wonders if this is how Kurt talks about _him_ when he's not around.

"Be nice," he warns, though he's careful to keep his tone somewhat light even if he knows he should defend Rachel more than that. After all, she is still _his_ best friend and she doesn't deserve to be put down like that.

Rachel gestures at him to hang up the phone, but when he shrugs her off she gives him one final disbelieving look before turning on her heels and walking away. That's fine with him; if Kurt's calling him this late he likely won't be going home anyway and it's not like she's in any real danger walking home alone. Their apartment is half a block from the subway stop and well lit.

"Well, I don't understand how she can possibly be angry at me," Kurt says, his voice back to teasing and flirtatious. "We all know I'm a sucker for your ass in a tight pair of jeans. You had to know that I would be there."

Blaine smiles, he really hadn't known that Kurt would show up. He has to admit that he wore the jeans on purpose. He had been thinking Rachel would take a few pictures of them at the show and post them on her wall. He wanted to make sure he looked hot on the off chance Kurt ever decided to check in on him via Facebook.

"You usually work on Tuesdays," he says, walking back up the stairs to find a nice bench to sit on. He doesn't want to lose service by getting on the subway while he's talking to Kurt. Besides, if he's going to go over to Kurt's, he's going to need to get on a different line.

"I couldn't miss the show," he says. "It's her first gig in New York; I had to show my support."

He wants to point out that Kurt had never felt the need to show any of their other friends the same courtesy. He wants to remind him that he'd missed Santana's run in that musical burlesque thing she'd done last year. He'd missed an entire year's worth of Rachel's performances. Shit, he'd even missed Blaine's fall showcase this past year, the one he finally had a violin solo in. But he doesn't, it's not the time or the place and he doesn't want to upset him.

"She sounded amazing, didn't she?" is what he says instead. Make small talk, he tells himself. Let Kurt take the lead. If he wants it, he'll ask for it.

"She always does," Kurt answers. Blaine can hear the smile in his voice, he's genuinely proud of Mercedes. "Did you cry during 'Ain't No Way?' You always do."

"I managed to survive this time," he smiles. "Do you remember the first time we heard her sing it?" Blaine asks, fishing a bit. He wants to hear Kurt admit that he had thought about that night, too.

"Oh, I don't know," he says with a fond laugh. "I remember something about hecklers, and Mike did that bubble dance or something? Is that what you're talking about?" Kurt teases.

"I was talking about the intermission," Blaine says bluntly.

"That was a well spent intermission."

"The best," Blaine says with a smile. He sometimes wishes he could turn back time and go back to high school. They had seemed so indestructible then. Then he remembers slushies and ignorant teachers and he wonders if that would really be much better than the hell he's living now.

"I wonder, if I stole you away during an intermission now, would you want to stop the second you got excited or would you let me go further?"

"I seem to remember you were the one that pulled away, blushing," Blaine says, trying not to picture it. He's on a bench in the middle of a public street. He doesn't need to be having a sexual fantasy while on the phone with his ex.

"Well, I wouldn't turn away, now," he says, a husky quality to his voice that he only gets when he's turned on.

"No?" Blaine gulps, trying to convince his body not to react to Kurt's voice. He can feel himself getting hard, luckily the street, though not empty, isn't embarrassingly crowded.

"Would you let me?" Kurt asks.

"Would I let you what?" Blaine responds, knowing what he's asking but wanting to hear him say it.

"Would you let me fuck you in a bathroom? Would you drop to your knees and blow me if you knew that anybody could walk in?"

Blaine has to bite his lip to keep in his moan. It's been three weeks since their last hookup and as far as Blaine is concerned, that's three weeks too long.

"What's the matter, too virginal to answer?" Kurt mocks him.

"No, just too busy picturing it," Blaine says, not in the least bit ashamed once he hears the way his words make Kurt moan aloud.

"Come over," Kurt says. It's not a question. It's a demand.

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

"Blaine Warbler," Kurt says, using his old nickname for him. He hasn't been called that since they first started dating. "You got me half-hard with your teasing. It's only polite that you come over here and help me take care of it."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes," he says, biting his lip to contain his squeal of excitement.

"Hurry, I'm starting without you," Kurt teases, letting Blaine know he's serious with a deep moan. Blaine can tell that he's already touching himself.

"Fuck," he groans. Screw the subway, he's getting a cab.

"Talk to me," Kurt says. "I want to be able to listen to your voice until you get here."

Blaine gets into a cab and gives the driver Kurt's address.

"What do you want me to say?" he asks.

"Talk dirty to me," he says, not even trying to hide his heavy panting and sporadic moans.

"I'm in a cab," he says, slightly scandalized.

"Do it or I'll come before you get here," he threatens. Blaine thinks he's joking, but doesn't want to take his chances. Instead of going for full on dirty talk and mortifying both himself and his driver, he goes a different route.

"Do you remember the first time we were together?" Blaine asks. Kurt's only response is a pleased hum. "I was wearing those grey highwaters with the drawstring in the front?"

"I untied them with my teeth," Kurt moans. Blaine bites his tongue and closes his eyes for a minute, willing his body not to react. This really isn't the setting for this.

"You laid there while I licked every inch of your body with my tongue," he says quietly, hoping that the driver can't hear him over the radio.

"Are you here yet?" Kurt asks, frustrated.

"Five more blocks," he says. He knows the area well. He should, he lived with Kurt in this apartment for two years.

"I want you here already," he whines. "I want to rip those jeans off of you and worship your perfect ass. Monuments should be made out of your ass."

Blaine knows Kurt must be incredibly turned on if he's rambling off things like this without even thinking. He takes a steadying breath, he's almost there. Two more blocks. One more block...

"Here is fine," he practically yells at the driver before throwing way too much money at him and bolting out of the car. He takes the stairs three at a time, too impatient to wait for the building's ancient elevator.

"I'm here," he says, breathless. It's a bit weird to be standing outside of his old door, having to wait to be let in. He hears some shuffling of feet on the other side and once he gets close enough a small thump and some cursing. He knows the Kurt has just run into the small table he keeps by the door for mail and keys and such. He always runs into that table, he doesn't know why he doesn't just move it.

"You're here," Kurt opens the door with a blissed out smile, grabbing him by the back of the neck and bringing him in for a deep, passionate kiss before he can so much as say hello or even step inside so the neighbors won't see.

Blaine stumbles as Kurt leads him backwards by the belt, mouths firmly attached to each other and refusing to come up for air. He hears the door slam shut but the sound is softer than usual, muffled by the loud pounding of his heart in his ears. He moans into Kurt's mouth as his back is slammed roughly into the wall.

"What took you so long?" Kurt asks, his voice so low that it would be unrecognizable if he hadn't heard it like this hundreds of times before. He wonders if he's still the only one that knows just how low Kurt's register can go when he's blinded by lust like he is now.

"I got here in eight minutes, I deserve a medal," he says, pulling back sharply and knocking his head into the wall by accident.

He had only needed air, he didn't mean to give himself a concussion, but he doesn't feel any pain. The only sensation he's focused on is the tingling going down his neck as Kurt shamelessly leaves love bites from his ear all the way down to the collar of his shirt. It's like they are in high school again, making every moment count because their parents could come home at any moment. They haven't been this rushed in years.

He moans loudly as Kurt nips at a particularly sensitive spot at his pulse point. Bastard, Blaine thinks. Kurt knows what that spot does to him.

His hands go to Kurt's shirt, desperate to remove some of the layers between them. He begins fumbling with the buttons on Kurt's sweater when his wrists are grabbed and thrown over his head. Kurt's using his body weight to pin Blaine to the wall, he's trapped.

"Patience," Kurt says with a teasing click of his tongue.

Blaine groans, he hates this game. They've been broken up for months. He just wants to be able to touch Kurt. He wants to feel their bodies move against each other. He wants to relearn every dip, every bump, every scar that covers his lean body. He doesn't want to be bound. They have enough things holding them apart, he doesn't need any when they are finally about to be together again.

"I want to touch you," he whimpers, not caring how pathetic and wanton it comes out.

Kurt doesn't respond to this and he doesn't let go. If anything, his grip on his wrists tightens. He shifts them so that he can hold Blaine's wrists with one hand, freeing up his other to unbutton the top buttons of his polo. He proceeds to kiss the newly revealed skin with wet, open, filthy kisses until Blaine is so hard in his pants that he has to thrust against Kurt's thigh to try and relieve some of the painful pressure.

There's a twinge in his shoulders from the strain of being held at an awkward angle for too long. Kurt's wearing a spiked belt that looked great in theory but doesn't feel that great hitting his hip repeatedly. This isn't what he had planned for the two of them, but he guesses beggars can't be choosers. It's Kurt, and he'll never complain about having sex with him, ever. It's just... a bit more rough that he'd prefer.

"Please," he says, not sure why his voice sounds so wet and full of emotion. He quickly covers it up with a moan. It's been at least fifteen minutes of teasing. He just wants to get on with it already. His body needs them to get on with it, because he honestly thinks he might explode if he doesn't touch Kurt soon... no pun intended.

"Somebody's excited," Kurt says, finally letting go of his arms. He smirks at Blaine before stepping away, causing him to whine with the loss of pressure. He slowly starts to undo his buttons, walking backwards towards the bedroom. "Good things come to those who wait."

There's a smirk on his face that he wants to wipe off with his mouth. He has waited. What does Kurt call this whole break up?

Blaine manages to make his legs work and quickly undoes the button of his jeans, chucking them off and leaving them by the door. He needs to get rid of them before Kurt comes up with any more crazy ideas of torturing him. He slowly follows Kurt into the bedroom, trying to get his breathing under control. He wants tonight to last; lord knows if Kurt's going to kick him out afterwards this time or not. He hopes not, he desperately wants to sleep in his old bed; sleep wrapped around Kurt.

When he finally makes it through the doorway Kurt is stripped down completely bare and is lying brazenly on the bed, stroking himself. Blaine has to stop for a minute and stare.

"Starting without me?" he says, trying for a casual tone.

Kurt stops what he's doing, sits up in the bed and crawls on his hands and knees until he gets to the edge of the bed, close enough to touch. He reaches out and pulls Blaine into his arms, just holding him for a minute.

"I love you," he can feel the words against his throat far more than he can hear them. He wonders if he makes this part up, Kurt never says it any louder than this when they are together. It's always there. He wants to say it back, but he doesn't think he's meant to hear it. He's scared that calling attention to it will make Kurt run.

Instead, he pulls him in closer. He lets himself hold on and be held for several minutes. Kurt still smells the same. Like Paul Smith Extreme, a touch of hairspray, and that Ralph Lauren body wash that made his skin feel so soft. It's refreshing to know that some things haven't changed throughout the years. If Kurt can keep coming back to the same cologne all these years maybe he'll keep coming back to Blaine, too.

He's just getting up the courage to tell Kurt that he still loves him, too... the courage to take the chance and see if he can fix this, when suddenly there are fingers stroking him through his briefs, cutting their cuddling short.

He lets his head fall back and enjoys the sensation as all the blood quickly rushes back to his cock. There's a damp spot forming at the front of his briefs and he's pleasantly surprised when Kurt opens his mouth and sucks at him through the cloth.

He moans loudly and starts begging for more. He threads his fingers into Kurt's hair only to have his hand slapped away. Kurt sends him a warning look, but doesn't stop bobbing up and down occasionally sucking hard and tight the way that he likes. Blaine wants to ditch the briefs and get on with it. He's had enough foreplay; he's ready to have Kurt inside of him.

He begs for more and finally Kurt takes the hint and pulls away, pulling Blaine onto the bed with him. The two of them fall into bed together in a well practiced routine. It's like no time has passed between them. They will always be Kurt and Blaine, always have this familiarity between each other.

Kurt sucks on Blaine's lower lip, making him pant for more. It makes him feel wanted and worthy. Their tongues fight for power as the two begin to thrust against each other. During moments like this it's easy to forget that there is any problem between the two of them. They certainly don't feel broken. The only thing broken about them are their cries of the other's name, sounds dying on lips as the friction becomes too much all too soon.

Kurt pulls at Blaine's polo harshly, almost ripping it in his haste to get it off. He makes quick work of the briefs as well. Then Kurt is pushing him onto his stomach. He tries to protest, he wants to be able to watch what he's doing. He doesn't like the idea of not being able to see Kurt when he never knows when he'll get the chance again, but Kurt just shushes him.

"It'll be better this way," he says, kissing his shoulder, lovingly. Blaine trusts him, he always trusts him.

So he lies on his stomach and tries not to feel too disappointed that he can't watch Kurt as he licks and nips at his thighs. It takes all of his self control not to rut against the mattress, Kurt hates when he does that. Blaine would rather wait until he can have Kurt inside of him. It'll be a million times better _that_ way.

"Get the lube, babe," he commands, nuzzling at his legs until he spreads them wider. He does at he's told, reaching over blindly to the nightstand, struggling to reach the handle of the drawer.

He moans as Kurt licks a line up the crack of his ass, so close to where he wants him most.

"Lube," Kurt reminds him with a laugh when it becomes obvious that Blaine's forgotten. What does Kurt expect; he can barely remember his own name when Kurt's warm breath is that close to his hole.

He lifts himself up on his elbows and drags himself away from Kurt to the edge of the bed so he can dig out some materials for them. For as clean as Kurt keeps the rest of his stuff, his drawers have always been a mess. It's only really frustrating in moments like this when every second wasted looking for a spare condom is a second Kurt could be slamming into him.

He finds the lube rather quickly, tossing it back onto the mattress where Kurt wastes no time opening it and starting to warm some up in his hands. The condom is another story entirely. He prays to God it's just buried somewhere at the bottom and that Kurt's not out. He's got one in his wallet, but the living room just seems so far away when Kurt's already starting to run a teasing hand over his ass.

He scoots a little bit closer to get a better look. It's probably tucked in between one of the countless journals, scripts, CDs and other random work materials Kurt keeps there. He pauses as his eyes catch a few words on a page.

_I'm just trying to practice what life is going to be like without you_.

It's a script of some sort, but the words make him pause. They have no place amongst the rest of Kurt's work things. Those are Blaine's words... Words he said to Kurt in private. They have no place in potential Broadway songs.

Kurt chooses that moment to slip his finger into him. The unexpectedness of it makes him groan loudly, it's slightly painful because he's still so tight and not relaxed, but it's a good burn.

_You move me_.

His eyes catch the page one more time before sliding shut. He falls back onto the bed, trying not to think about what he's just seen. It's fairly easy to be distracted when there's a finger pumping in and out of his ass.

"I need a condom, honey," Kurt says, licking at his balls.

"I can't," he cries, he doesn't know how he's expected to do anything productive when Kurt's making him see double.

Kurt pulls away for a minute, pulling his fingers out as he crawls over Blaine to dig out the condom himself. Blaine wants to ask him about what he's seen. Wants to know why Kurt has taken his words and put them into his work, but he's afraid of the answer.

He wants to believe that he's just seen a journal, but Kurt's never been one to keep a diary and there had been a sticky note on the page. Good ideas or something it had read in unfamiliar handwriting.

"Blaine?" Kurt asks, his chuckling turning more nervous than amused. Blaine wonders if Kurt has put two and two together. If he's guessed at what he has seen in the drawer?

If he has, he doesn't say anything. He returns to the bed and settles back down, pouring out some more lube and warming it up before adding a second finger. He's much tighter than he usually is, but Blaine knows that's his own fault. He can't relax now that those words have taken him out of the mood a bit.

He feels stupid. He doesn't know why he's letting this get to him right now. He's lying naked on the bed with the man he loves preparing him for sex. He should be screaming his name in pleasure right now, not wanting to cry. For all Blaine knows, the script might not even _be_ for anything. Kurt doesn't write for fun; he works twenty-four hours a day, he doesn't have time for side projects. Kurt's written out his words, their private memories for something he intends to use.

Blaine feels used. Exposed.

"Relax," Kurt whispers, placing a sweet kiss his to his tailbone.

Blaine closes his eyes and forces his body to relax. Forces himself to forget those words for the next twenty minutes so that he can enjoy this. After all, he'll only be more frustrated if he stops them now. He might as well enjoy this.

So he lets Kurt fuck him. Blaine hates that term, but making love just doesn't seem accurate tonight. It's different than how he usually likes it. He realizes it works out better that they can't see each other. He doesn't want to have to look into Kurt's eyes and know that the trustworthy man he's told all of his secrets to might be stabbing him in the back. He doesn't think Kurt wants to see the shattered look that's probably crossing his face as he realizes just how deep this is going to cut if it turns out to be real.

Afterwards, Blaine makes sure to lay facing away from Kurt. He's wrapped in Kurt's arms and he wants to leave, but he's frozen where he is. He doesn't know why he doesn't just make up an excuse and leave. He thinks that he's building up the courage to tell Kurt goodbye. That this is going to be it for them.

It's been a long time coming, really. He shouldn't have let them keep hooking up after the break up. Blaine knew that Kurt didn't want him that way. Kurt had told him that he didn't want to be with him so why did Blaine keep holding on thinking that the boy he fell in love with would come back? Why did he let himself become a sex toy, something to be brought out and played with whenever Kurt was horny but otherwise forgotten?

He can hear his phone going off in the other room, where it's still in the pocket of his pants. He groans, knowing that is probably his cue to leave. He feels Kurt chuckle against his shoulder.

"Is that your babysitter checking in on you, again?" Kurt says softly.

"You should be nicer to her," Blaine says, pulling himself out of bed and tugging his briefs back on. He isn't going to be saying goodbye tonight; he doesn't know how to even start that conversation. That doesn't mean he has to stay either. Not if Kurt is going to be starting in on an "_I hate Rachel"_ tirade.

"You're leaving?" Kurt whines, making grabby hands at him and giving him the puppy eyes. Blaine looks away; he can't be tempted to stay. He needs to say goodbye. Shit, everyone's been telling him for months to give up on making this work and he hasn't listened. He's seen the evidence that this isn't going to last with his own eyes. He needs to stay strong.

"I shouldn't be here," he says, moving out of the bedroom before he can be tempted by a naked Kurt again. He quickly locates his pants by the door and shoves his legs into them, eager to get out of this apartment.

"Wait," Kurt calls out. He hears a loud thump and some stumbling around before Kurt comes chasing out after him. His shirt is on backwards and his pants aren't even buttoned. "Wait, don't go. I want you to stay."

"I don't want to—"

"Just give me a minute," Kurt cuts him off, sounding so hurt that Blaine's leaving and that's what sets Blaine off. Kurt doesn't get to play the victim here. He might not be completely at fault for their break up, but he hasn't done anything to fix this.

"I've given you a minute," he snaps. "Fuck, you've had four months. How much time do you need?"

"That's not fair," he says, his voice sounds tight.

"You want to talk about fair?" He laughs at that bitterly. "You dumped me when I had just lost my dad. You told me that I was too messed up for you to handle and that I needed help. Well, I've gotten help. I'm on medication; I haven't had a panic attack in weeks. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm still a mess, but I'm trying here and you don't even notice. Half of the reason I even went to therapy was so I could be better for you, but that's not enough for you is it? You didn't dump me because I was sick; you dumped me because you didn't love me."

"Of course I love you," Kurt says, there are tears coming down his face. Blaine wants to wipe them away, but it's not his place anymore. Kurt saw to that.

Blaine rolls his eyes and pulls out his phone so he can call a cab. He doesn't want to walk to the subway station at this time of the night. He looks down and sees he's gotten a new voicemail and a text from Jake. He'd nearly forgotten that his phone had gone off. It makes him pause to see the name. Jake. The sweet psychology major he'd met at the reception desk of the counseling center. The boy who flirted with him for an entire month before he finally built up the courage to ask Blaine out.

Jake, the boy who stayed up all night and skipped writing a history paper just so that he could stay with Blaine at the hospital after he'd had his allergic reaction. Try as he might, he can't picture Kurt doing that for him. Not now. It's sad to think about, he knows if this were a year ago never would believe these things about the man he loved.

"What, did Rachel send you a text to say away from the horrible, awful Kurt?" Kurt says, his voice full of venom now. "Is she the reason why you suddenly hate me?"

Blaine wants to respond to that but he doesn't even know where to begin. He should say that he doesn't hate Kurt. He should tell him that his anger has nothing to do with Rachel and everything to do with those scripts in his drawer. He can't bring those up without admitting that he saw them. If he admits it, Kurt will have to explain and Blaine isn't ready to hear about any of it.

"It's Jake," he says, because for some reason the fact that another boy is texting him about how excited he is for their second date seems so much easier than talking about the scripts Blaine saw.

"I... who's Jake?" He looks at him tentatively. Kurt knows the answer, Blaine can see it in his hurt expression, but he wants to hear it from Blaine.

Blaine doesn't know how to explain what Jake is. He's just a boy that he's dated one time but he feels like that doesn't give him enough credit. He's been the first boy to spark something in Blaine since Kurt. They aren't boyfriends, he can't say that, but he's not going to lie and say they are just friends either.

"A boy that paid more attention to me on one date than you have in the last year." So he didn't want to lie to Kurt, but he was willing to be cruel? Blaine doesn't even recognize himself anymore. He hates that this is who Kurt has turned him into, somebody nasty and biting. Someone that doesn't care about how easily words can hurt anymore. Their relationship is toxic and he can't get better as long as he keeps letting Kurt back in. They need to end this, for the both of them.

"So, what, you like this guy now?" he says in a dismissive tone, as if the idea of Blaine falling for anybody else is absurd. It hurts. Blaine just stares at him disbelievingly.

"Oh, my God, you actually like this guy."

"Well, what do you want me to say?" Blaine asks.

"So, that's that then?"

The two of them stare at each other for a long time. They both have so much left to say. They have fight left in them. They want to fight for each other, but they don't. They know exactly the right words to break each other down, to make the other one feel as low as possible, but they don't use them. They don't want to hurt each other anymore. They don't apologize; they don't try and fix this either.

"Goodbye, Kurt."


	3. July 4, 2020

The blaring music coming from the speakers only adds to the dirty feeling that Blaine is getting from this place. There are women everywhere. He's never understood the appeal of boobs to begin with, but it's downright appalling seeing so many of them just flying around the club for drunken men to ogle. Mike is lucky that Blaine likes him enough to put up with it all. Blaine is doing his best to down every full glass of alcohol he sees and keep his back to the stage.

That's when Kurt walks into the party, takes a seat at their full table, apologizes for being late and orders an expensive bottle of champagne to celebrate his favorite member of the chorus getting married.

Blaine wonders when Kurt started filling out. He looks broader, his shirt is pulled snug against his chest hinting at more defined muscles. He doesn't look so much like the boy Blaine fell in love with, he's manlier, taller if that is even possible. Yet when Blaine catches Kurt's eye across the table all it takes is a small, shy smile to realize that underneath the older and incredibly sexy exterior, Kurt's still Kurt.

He looks away quickly and reminds himself that he's just drunk. He has a husband, even if they are currently fighting. He looks down to check his phone one more time, but there is no response from Jake. It's been hours. Blaine knows that his husband is home from his shift at the hospital by now. It's frustrating to know that he's being ignored; he hasn't done anything. Not really.

All Blaine did is to suggest they take a break from trying to have a baby. They've been through two pregnancies, sat through countless rejections, but they'd gotten a yes. They'd convinced Sara, a sixteen year old girl from Oregon, to give them her baby only to have her change her mind at the last minute. Then, almost a year later, they'd gotten another yes. Hannah in Queens was going to give them her baby because she couldn't afford to have a child. Blake Michael, that was supposed to be his name. Except she'd had complications with the pregnancy and lost the baby two weeks ago.

It is exhausting wanting a family so bad and never getting one. It is destroying them having to fight so hard to have a child and never winning. Blaine isn't suggesting that they give up, he's just suggesting they take a few months off. That they relax and focus on their relationship for a little while until the ugly feeling of rejection passes.

Jake thinks that Blaine doesn't want a family anymore. That he's thrown in the towel and is running away from this problem. They are both just really emotional after losing Blake and aren't thinking straight. He knows that Jake will listen to him eventually. He always does. He's just surprised it's taking this long.

"Boyfriend troubles?" Mike jokes, throwing his arm around his shoulder.

"You were at our wedding." Blaine playfully glares at him. "You know that he's my husband."

Mike takes his phone out of his hands and gives it to one of their friends, Jackson. He's a big burly fellow who works as a personal trainer and has more muscles than Blaine knew existed.

"Don't let Blaine have his phone for the rest of the night," he instructs.

"Really?" Blaine says, giving Mike a disbelieving look. "What are we, twelve?"

"It's my bachelor party and you're bringing us down with your brooding. Forget about all that shit for a night, it will do you some good."

Blaine knows that underneath his drunken antics Mike is just looking out for him. His friends all know what a hard year Blaine has had. They've made it their personal mission to cheer him up. He doesn't know what part of Mike thinks dancing naked women will cheer him up, but he's trying.

He gives him one more pat on the shoulder before being dragged off with a bunch of them for a private dance. Blaine's perfectly happy where he is; there's nothing he wants to see less than his old friend getting a lap dance.

"I figured you'd be with Rachel and Tina at the Palms," Kurt says, sliding into the empty seat next to him. The table isn't empty, there are still a few people scattered about, but they are all Mike's college friends that Blaine knows he's met before but doesn't remember their names.

"Rachel couldn't come, she just started a new job," Blaine says, trying not to look at Kurt for too long. Since when did he wear his shirts so tight? Blaine catches a whiff of Paul Smith Extreme as Kurt leans over to fill up another glass of champagne. He's still wearing the same cologne after all these years.

"It's crazy, right?" Kurt asks, sipping on his glass. "Mike and Tina getting back together after all of these years?"

"I guess," Blaine shrugs. "They only really broke up because of the distance. Once Mike got transferred to New York, I figured it was only a matter of time."

"I think some people are just naturally drawn to each other," he says, his foot brushing up against Blaine's. He's sure that it's an accident; Kurt can't actually be hitting on him, right?

"Like a magnet?" Blaine asks, kind of liking the idea. He thinks it's possible that's true. There are certainly people in Blaine's life that he keeps coming back to: Wes, Rachel, Kurt...

No, he doesn't mean Kurt. He means Jake, his husband. Yes, he certainly feels that way about Jake. Anytime they are in a room together they just naturally gravitate until they are touching in some way. Their friends always comment on it, jealous of their relationship.

"You look good," Kurt says. "The scruffy look works for you."

Blaine blushes, reaching a hand up to run it over his face. He's been so stressed out lately that he hasn't worried about things like shaving. He doesn't work in the summer, one of the perks of being a teacher, so he doesn't have to worry about looking professional until the end of August.

"I'll have to shave before the wedding," he says, absentmindedly.

A slightly awkward silence falls over them. While they haven't exactly been strangers all these years, they don't talk often either. There are occasional emails back and forth and the lone text here and there, but they don't make it a habit of talking to each other. They don't often see each other except for big events like weddings and birthday parties. They are friends, sure, but they aren't close anymore.

Blaine can't afford to be close to him, not now that he has Jake and doesn't want to screw that up. Because, deep down, he knows that part of him will always still love Kurt.

"How's work?" he asks, trying to make small talk.

Kurt smiles, grateful to have something familiar to talk about.

"Things are good; our new musical got picked up for Broadway finally so we've been working on getting that ready. I'm glad to be back in the city again, I liked San Francisco but two years is a little long to be away, even if it's only part time. _Above All Else_ is still doing insanely great. I never expected it to be as big as it is, so that's nice. Things are going good. Busy, but good. How about you?"

"I'm free for the entire summer," Blaine says with a shrug. He knows that Kurt's life is filled with late night meetings, early morning rehearsals, all-night writing sessions. He knows that it isn't a life that he would want for himself, but it still makes him feel completely unsuccessful that he hasn't accomplished much compared to Kurt. "I help one of our friends out at her coffee shop a few days a week, but for the most part I'm unemployed until August."

"Lucky," Kurt laughs, leaning in closer so that he can hear more clearly over the speaker and growing crowd. He's so close that their thighs are touching; it sends a familiar spark through him and gives him a warm feeling in the bottom of his stomach.

"I don't understand the appeal to these places," Blaine says after he has to turn away another offer for a private dance. Kurt just laughs at him.

"You'd feel differently if the person offering you a dance was tall, built, and working with a little more between the legs."

"I don't think so."

"Really?" Kurt says, his tone disbelieving. Blaine just nods, he's never been to a male strip club, but he doesn't think he'd like one either. He firmly believes that sex should be attached to feelings. It's important to have a connection with somebody before just hooking up with them. He's learned that lesson before and meaningless sex just makes him feel dirty and used.

"I'm tempted to change your mind," Kurt says, leaning over to whisper into his ear.

His words are slightly slurred and Blaine knows they are both fairly drunk at this point. That's the only reason that Kurt's offer sounds good, Blaine tells himself. It's the alcohol making him horny. He should just go back to his room, try to call Jake one more time, and take care of his arousal himself. But Kurt just smells so delicious and familiar...

A crowd of men stumble into the club, pushing and shoving their way to the front, yelling loudly and obviously belligerent. They accidentally shove Kurt who, in turn, spills his champagne down his white shirt. It stains all the way from his collar down his chest. Blaine finds himself licking his lips as he sees a hardened nipple through the thin, wet fabric.

"Vegas makes people completely uncivilized," Kurt grumbles, holding his shirt away from his chest and trying to dry it off with a napkin.

Blaine dips his own napkin in a water glass and helps Kurt wipe off the alcohol the best he can. He doesn't even notice that Kurt drops his hands and stares at him with a dark hungry look.

"I want to get out of here," Kurt says, his voice low and husky.

"Oh, of course," Blaine drops his hands to his side and pushes his chair back so Kurt has room to leave. "You probably want to change."

"Come with me," he says, leaning in close licking at his ear. Blaine moans, completely taken aback. He hadn't expected Kurt to do something like that, but he can't deny it felt good.

"We're drunk," Blaine whines, knowing that it's wrong to want this. He's unable to stop himself from growing hard as Kurt's warm breath hits his ear.

"That's never stopped us before."

Kurt grabs onto Blaine's hand and pulls him up from his chair. The second Blaine stands, he sways on his feet. He's much drunker than he first realized. He follows Kurt, expecting him to leave the club but instead he pulls back the curtain on a private room and passes the attendant a hundred dollar bill, informing the man that they are to be left alone.

"What are you doing," Blaine asks as he's pushed onto the large couch. Kurt climbs onto his lap and begins licking up his neck.

"I'm married," he says, though the excuse sounds flimsy. His husband isn't talking to him and Kurt's right here, licking at him and pulling on his shirt in such delicious ways. Something that feels this good can't really be that wrong, right?

He knows he's lying to himself; there's a sober part of his brain that really knows that. That knows how wrong it is to cheat on Jake. Dear, sweet Jake who has done nothing but love him and care for him.

But this is Kurt. The first boy Blaine ever fell in love with. The man that Blaine intended to spend the rest of his life with. If Kurt hadn't broken up with him all those years ago the two of them would be right here, right now, making love on this couch without an ounce of guilt. Maybe Kurt was right, maybe people were like magnets. Maybe it was supposed to be Kurt and Blaine all along.

"Stop talking, don't think," Kurt says, unbuttoning the buttons on Blaine's dress shirt. "Just do."

Blaine moans as Kurt kisses his way down his neck, cries out when he feels Kurt rub against him. He's grateful for the loud music of the club, grateful that it's drowning out how loud he's being.

He tugs at Kurt's shirt, untucking it from his pants and pulling it up so that he can touch more. He wants to feel the lean muscles of his stomach, feel more of his broad shoulders. He's so much bigger than he was before and this newfound strength is turning him on in ways he wouldn't believe.

"What if somebody walks in," he whispers, as Kurt undoes his belt buckle.

"Blaine," Kurt gives him a stern look. "Stop thinking so much."

Blaine obeys and is rewarded by Kurt putting his hand down the back of his pants and grabbing at his ass.

"God, I've missed this," Kurt groans, bucking his hips against him when Blaine pinches at his nipples.

Their lips meet in a wet, demanding kiss as they both fight for dominance. Blaine scratches at Kurt's back as Kurt tries to push his pants down off of his hips. Blaine's never done anything like this in public before. Exhibitionism isn't really his thing, but Kurt is far too warm and inviting to stop. He knows if they stopped to take this back to one of their hotel rooms that the mood would be shot. The fresh air would sober them up and the opportunity would be gone. He just wants to get off; he's painfully hard and he can feel that Kurt is as well.

He's surprised when Kurt lowers himself off Blaine. He falls to his knees on the floor and pulls at Blaine's underwear until it is around his thighs and his dick is exposed, hard and already leaking pre-cum. Kurt groans at the sight of him and bites into his thigh hard.

"Fuck," Blaine cries, throwing his head back. He threads his hands through Kurt's hair as he takes him into his mouth as deep as he can go.

"We are strangers by day, lovers by night. Knowing it's so wrong, feeling so right," a familiar, sultry, feminine voice sings.

Kurt immediately pulls away and buries his face in the couch cushion. Blaine quickly pulls up his pants and buttons them, not able to meet Santana's judging gaze.

"Well, don't let me stop all of the fun," she says. She steps into the room and closes the curtain again, crossing her arms to watch the two of them, amused.

"I didn't know you were coming," Kurt says, standing up and meeting her gaze, trying his best not to blush. Blaine doesn't know how he does it; he has to bury his face in his hands. He's never going to hear the end of this now.

"Plans change," she says, giving him a hard look. Kurt has never been one of Santana's favorite people. They were both too opinionated and sarcastic to ever get along. "Run along Angelina Jolie, Brad and I have some catching up to do."

"Fuck you," Kurt says and leaves the room without a backwards glance.

Santana takes a seat next to him, not remotely fazed that he'd just been getting a blow job a minute before from a man that was very much not his husband.

"Please don't tell anybody," Blaine says, quickly. He's mostly sobered up now that Santana's broken through his lust induced haze. Now all he can think about is Jake and how horrible he feels for doing something to mess that up. He's never going to forgive himself if he loses his husband over this.

"Please, go screw half of Vegas for all I care, it's just sex," she says, waving him off like it doesn't matter.

"Do you really believe that?" he asks, disbelievingly.

This is Santana they are talking about. The girl who hooks up with strangers at bars and comes home the next day proclaiming she's in love. She might have been promiscuous and flippant about sex in high school, but she's changed since then. She's changed since coming out and falling in love with Brittany.

"Why wouldn't I?" she says. He knows that she's lying, but he doesn't press it. He's walking thin ice with her and if he wants to keep what he's just done a secret he's going to need to stay on her good side.

In the end, it is Blaine that tells Jake the truth. The guilt eats away at him and he isn't back more than two days before he's confessing to everything. Jake is livid. Of course, he's livid, Blaine would be, too. Blaine just wants to fix this. He wants Jake to know how sorry he is, but he won't listen to him.

"We're supposed to be having a baby together and you're off fucking your ex-boyfriend," Jake yells at him.

"To be fair, we never had sex," Blaine says, though he knows that he's the worst husband in the history of all husbands.

"Your dick was in his mouth!"

"Jake, I'm so sorry," he cries. He knows that he sounds disgusting. His throat is raw and his eyes are bloodshot. He just wants to curl up in Jake's arms and have him make everything better again. Only, he can't. Jake wants nothing to do with him and it's all Blaine's fault. Blaine's fucked up again. He always messes things up.

"Does our relationship mean anything to you?" he asks. His fists are clenched and Blaine can tell that he just wants to punch something. He wants Jake to punch _him_. He would deserve it after what he's done.

"Of course it does," he whispers, surprised that is even a question. "It means everything to me. _You_ mean everything to me."

"Then why? Why the fuck would you throw it all away for a boy who's done nothing but hurt you?"

"I was drunk," he tries to explain.

"That's not an excuse!" Jake yells.

"I don't know, then. I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I love you, okay? I love you so much, please. Please tell me that you'll forgive me."

"I need some space," Jake says, his voice no longer shouting. He's calm now; he walks into their bedroom and starts to pack a bag.

"Where are you going?" Blaine asks, terrified of the answer. He can't be left alone. Not again. Everyone always leaves him.

"I can't be here."

Jake doesn't come back that night, or the night after that. By the third day, Blaine has fallen into a depression. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do and he doesn't have anybody to call. He's too embarrassed to admit to Wes or Rachel that he's managed to fuck up another relationship.

So when his phone rings and it's Kurt on the other side, he doesn't hesitate to answer it. He used to talk to Kurt about everything, maybe that's still there. Maybe he doesn't have to be left alone with his ever darkening thoughts.

"Hello," Blaine answers.

"Hey," Kurt says. "How are you?"

"Jake knows about what happened," he says, not even bothering to try and say he's fine.

"I... um... wow, is everything okay?"

"I don't know," Blaine admits aloud, scaring himself with the statement. He honestly doesn't know if Jake will forgive him for this and he's scared of what that might mean. He doesn't want to be alone.

"I'm sorry," Kurt says, sounding somewhat sincere.

"It's not your fault."

"Except it is," he says. "I shouldn't have come on to you like that. I knew you were married but I did it anyway. I just... you were there and looked so good; it felt like nothing had changed between us."

"Everything's changed between us," Blaine says, shaking his head. He can't let himself be dragged back into this thing with Kurt. He's buried those feelings a long time ago and digging them back out again is just asking for trouble.

"I know, I just, sometimes I wish it hadn't," he admits. It takes Blaine by surprise. He looks at Kurt now and he knows that the man has everything he's ever dreamed of. He's worked his ass off for years to get where he is; it's hard to believe that he would wish his life any differently.

"Are you alright?" Blaine asks, because he can't not. Even if they aren't together anymore, he still _cares_. If Kurt's going through something, he certainly doesn't mind listening.

"Sometimes I just... no, yeah. I'm fine," he says.

Blaine can hear the pain in his voice even as he tries to cover it up with false cheer. It breaks his heart to know that something might be wrong. That maybe Kurt has needed him and he hasn't been around to help.

"You know, even though we aren't together anymore, you can always talk to me, right?" he says, trying to sound confident and strong, like somebody worth confiding in. It's hard; he's out of practice being a mentor to anybody. And it's especially hard when he's just spent most of the day crying, but he tries his best.

"Do you ever look back on your life and wish you had done it differently?" Kurt asks.

"Of course, everyone does," he says, thankful that it's an easy question. He can do this. He can be Kurt's rock; he doesn't have to be a mess all the time. He's learned how to live a normal life thanks to a solid year and a half of therapy during college and now he's doing alright. He doesn't have to let himself be dragged back into the pool of insecurity and doubt again.

"Why, what would you change?"

"Everything. Nothing. I'm not sure," Kurt admits. "I guess I just miss how things were when we first moved here. Life was so much easier then; we didn't have work, to worry or have people expecting so much from us."

"So you're stressed about work?" he asks, trying to figure out where this is all coming from. Kurt has always wanted the life that he has now. He's been the one to push his old life away and change things.

"I'm lonely," Kurt says, sounding so broken. It tugs at Blaine's heart to hear it, because he knows that feeling and he wouldn't wish it on anybody. Certainly not Kurt. "Is that stupid? I'm surrounded by people all of the time. I have hundreds of contacts in my phone. I could call any of them up right now and go out to dinner with them and be alright. But I'm still... It's not the same."

"Why not?" Blaine asks.

"Because they aren't you."

Blaine doesn't know what to say to that. He thinks he knows what it means, but it can't be. Kurt can't still love him. He might still have lingering feelings, sure. They do say you never truly get over your first love. There's no way that Kurt's actually pining after him. It's impossible. This has to be something else.

"Most of the people we went to high school with... almost everybody we hung around with when we first moved here, they all hate me," Kurt says.

It all makes sense now. Kurt had just spent the weekend surrounded by old high school friends, most of whom no longer speak with Kurt. He's just feeling sad about the relationships he's lost. That's normal; nobody stays in your life forever.

"They don't hate you," Blaine says, though he knows that quite a number of them do. "They just... they needed different things than you could give them. It's natural to grow apart from the people you were friends with in high school. You change so much in college and even after college and your friends change, too and sometimes you just can't change together. There's nothing wrong with that."

"I think we could have changed together," Kurt says, his voice sounding suspiciously wet. Blaine really hopes he's not crying. "I could have worked harder at it."

"What are you trying to say, Kurt?" he asks, needing to hear it. If Kurt's really still holding onto the idea of the two of them, Blaine needs to hear him say it. Blaine's played this game before. He's allowed himself to believe that Kurt wanted to get back together only to get crushed.

"Nothing, I guess. I just, I've been nostalgic since Vegas. It's nothing that won't pass."

"Okay," he says, his heart sinking a bit. He isn't sure at what point in the conversation he started hoping for Kurt to still love him, but it obviously happened because now all that he's left with is that bitter feeling of rejection. Obviously, Kurt doesn't want him.

"I guess I should get going. I have a meeting with one of the producers later and I'm not entirely prepared."

"Of course, have a good meeting," he says, eager to get off of the phone. He's nervous that Kurt will sense something in his voice. That he'll see how pathetic Blaine was for still thinking that he could mean anything to Kurt.

"Blaine?"

"Yeah?" he responds, keeping his words short so his voice doesn't break.

"Can I call you again?"

Blaine pauses, not sure if that's a good idea or not. He obviously can't talk to Kurt without old feelings coming up again and he doesn't want anything to do with those feelings. He can't have anything to do with those feelings if he ever wants to make things right with Jake again.

"Sure," he agrees, kicking himself for saying it.

The two of them hang up the phone with promises to talk again. They do, for the next week, while Jake continues to avoid Blaine and Kurt starts texting him more often. Nothing serious, just little anecdotes here and there. Comments about the musical he's working on, ideas on the latest fashions, advice for new music he should buy. It's almost like they are really friends again and Blaine wonders if that's possible. Is it possible that they are finally at a point where they can be best friends like they were in high school, before they started dating?

All hopes of friendship go out the window when Blaine receives a voicemail one morning, left late the night before.

"I know you're married and this phone call is entirely inappropriate, but I miss you," Kurt's words come out a drunken slur on his voicemail. "And your ass, God, I'm so pissed Santana walked in on us. This is wrong, you're married. You should hang up now. Why aren't you hanging up—Shit this is a voicemail isn't it? Hey Brett, how do you delete voicemails you've left..." Kurt's voice goes distant, like he's walked away from the phone without remembering to hang up.

Blaine deletes the voicemail after listening to it seven times. He had debated calling Kurt back to talk about what he's admitted, but he knows it's for the best to ignore it. He can't talk to Kurt anymore. Not if he wants Jake to come ever come home.

"Goodbye," he whispers to himself, as the voicemail box clears. He can feel tears falling from his eyes. It's like he's losing Kurt all over again and it feels just as painful as the first time. He wonders if he's doing the right thing. If perhaps Kurt is supposed to be his soulmate and he's just settling for Jake because it's easier. He can't afford to think that way.

Jake doesn't leave him because he has panic attacks. Jake holds his hand late at night and rearranges shifts so that they can spend their anniversary together. Jake wants a family. There's nothing wrong with Blaine wanting those things, too. He has to remember that. It's so easy to forget that what he wants matters.

Jake taught him that. Jake taught him that he didn't need to constantly seek everyone else's approval in order to be alright with himself.

Blaine says goodbye to Kurt once and for all. He picks up the phone and dials Jake's number, not remotely surprised to get his voicemail.

"I know you don't want anything to do with me, and I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I don't know why I did this to us except to say that sometimes I throw rocks at glass houses just to watch them break. I've broken things that matter before and it hurt then. I don't know what would have possessed me to do it again, but I did. I know that saying I'm sorry isn't going to cut it. But I am. I'm so incredibly sorry. I love you. I love our life together and I love the family that we're going to have one day once we get past all of the red tape bullshit. And I just... I want you to come home so we can fix this. I need you to come home; I don't like sleeping without you. Please, babe."

Jake comes home that night. There's no yelling, no anger, just four simple words.

"It's him or me."

Blaine knows that it's not a question for him who he will choose. Who he has to chose if he ever wants to be happy. Kurt can give him a lot, but he will never be able to offer Blaine his full attention and love like Jake can; like Blaine needs.

"If you still love him, I understand. But I need you to tell me."

"It's you," Blaine says with tears filling his eyes. He tilts his head to the side to really look at his husband. He hasn't been this close to him in over a week. Jake's been leaving anytime Blaine tries to approach him. He's missed him, God, has he missed him. "It's always going to be you."

There are promises, vows to never talk to Kurt again. It's a decision that's made much easier by the fact that Kurt doesn't seem to be trying to communicate with Blaine either. They stop going to functions that Kurt might be at so they can avoid seeing him. They focus on their growing family about to finally get one person bigger now that Rachel has offered to be their surrogate.

For a long time, for as long as he has Jake, Blaine doesn't even wonder if he's made the wrong choice. He's happy with his life. There is nobody, not a _single_ person that could tear them apart...


	4. June 28, 2026

Blaine spent the days after Olivia's birthday party secretly looking at apartments for the two of them. He hasn't wanted to bring it up to Kurt, though he's not sure why. After their conversation the other night, it has to be pretty obvious that this is coming. Blaine can't stay here forever, not as long as they both have so much baggage to work through. It's going to be good for them; especially Olivia. She needs to have Blaine to herself now that he can handle taking care of her on his own. He keeps hearing about how important it is for him to let her know that they can be a family without Jake; a family without a million extra hands always helping him out. It'll be good for him, as well, to prove to himself that he doesn't need help. That he really can do this on his own.

It's not like Kurt will have a problem with him moving out. In fact, he's probably going to be thrilled to have his apartment back. Olivia has pretty much taken over every corner of the apartment with her toys and movies, much as Blaine tries to contain her. Kurt's had to change his entire lifestyle these past seven months to accommodate them.

He hasn't seen Kurt go out on a single date, though he knows from the few friends of Kurt's he's met that he used to go on plenty before. Kurt often turns down offers to attend parties, as well. It's like he's been forced to entertain the two of them and Blaine can't stand the feeling of being a burden. He knows that Kurt claims it's not a big deal, but he remembers how difficult it was for Kurt to take care of him back when they were dating and they aren't even together now. He can only imagine how hard this has been for him.

They need some space from each other. That's what everyone keeps saying, right? It's important to learn to be apart if you ever want to be together.

More importantly, Olivia needs the space. He doesn't want her getting too attached to Kurt. He can't stand to watch her lose another parental figure in her life when the time comes that Kurt can't be there for them anymore. And the time will come, because they aren't together. This arrangement could never last forever.

Blaine needs some time to separate himself from Kurt. He's become too dependent on him and he needs to prove to himself that he can survive on his own. He's never had to and he needs to know that it's possible. He needs to be alone for awhile. People can't always be around forever. The thought of having a new relationship to deal with on top of everything else is just...

It's far too soon for Blaine to date anybody. The thought of sharing a bed with somebody else when he can still remember how Jake's breath tickled his ear late at night when he would climb into bed after a shift and pull Blaine against him so they could sleep as closely as possible... No, as long as those memories still haunt him he will remain alone.

It's the only reasonable thing to do.

Kurt and Blaine have tried dating. They don't need to go down that road again, especially now that they are finally back to being friends. Distance will help them see things more clearly. It will teach them how to find a healthy balance between the all or nothing relationship they've always had.

Then why can't Blaine just tell Kurt? It's so easy, _Kurt, I've found my own place_. Every time he tries to speak, the words become lost.

He's telling Kurt tonight. He has to. They are moving into their new place this weekend and he can't just let Kurt come home to Blaine packing boxes. Blaine owes him more than that.

Olivia is currently barricaded in her room, yelling at him anytime he so much as knocks on the door. He swears that she is a teenager trapped in a five-year-old's body. She's been moody lately and doesn't want him around as much. He hopes this is just a phase that she will grow out of. It makes him sad that his daughter doesn't want him around, but it works for tonight when he's going to need some alone time with Kurt.

She's been fed and bathed already, so he's not particularly worried about her. He knows that she'll continue to sing along to her music, dance and draw or whatever it is she is doing in there until she passes out. School doesn't start for another two months and they don't have anywhere to be tomorrow; he isn't going to worry about wrangling her into bed tonight.

He paces back and forth across the living room going through different conversations that he might have with Kurt, throwing away the lines that seem to cheesy or forced. You'd think they were breaking up, Blaine laughs, forcing himself to sit down and stop worrying. When the time comes, the words will, too.

He hears the sound of the elevator dinging outside of the apartment and he jumps to his feet, moving to meet Kurt at the door.

"Hey," he says, awkwardly. He hates blind-siding him like this, but he will feel even worse if Kurt starts working on a project and he as to interrupt him.

"Hey," Kurt says. "I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day. The choreographer decided to change a whole number and ended up getting into a major blowout with the director, who in turn tried to quit. I had to spend a solid two hours listening to him rant before I could convince him to stay on the show. I swear, the theatre crowd is a million times worse than any clique of high schoolers. Today sucked."

Kurt looks exhausted as he moves to set his bags on the island. Blaine feels bad, Kurt's got so much going on in his life, he shouldn't have to deal with Blaine and all of his drama as well.

"I'm sorry; you were going to say something before I started rambling on. What's going on?" Kurt asks, face expectant like he's willing to hear anything Blaine's about to tell him. He doesn't know how Kurt manages to do that, be completely exhausted and still focus all of his attention on a task, on Blaine. He's been doing it a lot more lately.

"It's fine," he lies. He can't get out of telling Kurt that he's moving, but it certainly doesn't have to be this very minute. "Let's get you fed first."

"That would be amazing," Kurt says, moaning in a way that's almost indecent. "Did you two already eat?" He looks hopeful.

"Sorry," Blaine says, feeling guilty. "Liv was really difficult today and I wasn't sure what time you would be home. We ate about an hour ago, she's been locked in her room ever since and won't talk to me."

"You know she loves you," Kurt says, giving him a comforting squeeze of the shoulder.

"I know," he replies, though days like today he doesn't really feel it. "I'm still sorry we didn't wait for you."

"No, obviously you ate," Kurt says, waving off his concerns. "I don't expect you to wait for me. You've got to keep her on a schedule and I can't be relied on to come home at a regular time."

"We could join you at the restaurant downstairs. Liv isn't going to complain about getting to eat ice cream," he says. He's not sure if that's entirely true or not, because lately she's been freaking out over the smallest things. She usually doesn't complain about spending time with Kurt, though

"You don't have to," he says. "I can make something here."

"It's no problem," he says. He wants to make sure that Kurt is comfortable before they have the whole "_by the way I'm leaving you_" discussion.

"No, it's fine. You said that she needs to stop eating out so much," Kurt says.

He moves into the kitchen and starts pulling out pots and pans for dinner. Blaine follows him and takes a pan out of his hand. Kurt gives him a confused look and Blaine just pushes him out of the kitchen and towards the master bedroom.

"You've had a long day," he explains. "Go and relax, I'll call you when dinner is ready."

Kurt turns around and stares at him with a strange look. It's a mix of fond wonder and hesitance. It's almost like he doesn't quite believe that Blaine is really there and willing to take care of him. It's absurd. How many nice things has Kurt done for him in the past several months?

"You don't have to do that," Kurt says, though Blaine can tell he's starting to check out of the conversation and dream about a nice hot shower.

"It's the least I can do," he says, not adding what he's really thinking. It's the least I can do _before potentially breaking your heart_.

No, he shouldn't start thinking like that. Kurt isn't going to break with this news. He has lived on his own for a long time and isn't going to care that Blaine is leaving them. This isn't a break up, so why does it feel like such a big deal?

Blaine turns back to the kitchen and sets about grilling some chicken singing along to the old Temptations song that Olivia has playing loudly from her room. He boils some pasta, knowing its one of the few things he can manage to do without completely burning down the kitchen. He's probably going to have to start learning to cook if he doesn't want to go bankrupt once he has to start paying rent again. Kurt's taught him some basics, but eventually Olivia is going to grow sick of pasta.

About fifteen minutes later Blaine hears the shower shut off just as he's cutting up the chicken to mix in with the Alfredo sauce and noodles. He walks over to the bedroom door and knocks. He hears some shuffling around before Kurt answers the door in only a towel.

Blaine doesn't know why his eyes instantly follow the little droplets of water down Kurt's chest and stomach until they disappear into the towel. Kurt clears his throat and Blaine looks up, embarrassed that he's been caught staring at his best friend.

"What?" Blaine asks, stumbling for words like it's freshman year and he's in a locker room for the first time.

"Did you need something?" Kurt asks with a smug little smirk.

"Dinner's ready," he says, finally managing to get himself under control. He gives Kurt a quick nod and turns back to the kitchen, trying hard not to blush.

A few minutes later Kurt emerges from the bedroom wearing a thin t-shirt and grey yoga pants that hug his legs in a delicious way that Blaine really shouldn't be noticing. Kurt sits down at the island and accepts the glass of wine that is poured for him. He starts to eat his pasta, and it's obvious that he must have been starving by the way he finishes most of it within ten minutes.

Every once in awhile Kurt will catch his eye and Blaine will turn away, feeling awkward for being caught staring.

"What's going on?" he finally asks after the fifth time it happens.

"I'm moving out," Blaine says, much more bluntly than he intended. This is why you practice what you want to say, he scolds himself.

Kurt doesn't say anything; his glance keeps shifting between Blaine and the pasta, various emotions flashing across his face. He's nodding, trying to act like Blaine has just told him the weather, but his face tells another story. His eyes are watering but he's wearing a small smile, too. Blaine's confused, he wants to know what Kurt's thinking but doesn't know if it would be appropriate to ask. Maybe Kurt just needs some time to process it. Blaine has kind of sprung this on him.

"When?" he asks, his tone is relatively steady.

He doesn't sound entirely shocked; Blaine guesses he saw this coming. Kurt had thought he was moving out to live with Rachel a few weeks ago, he probably assumed it was only a matter of time. He wonders if Kurt realized that they would have to move out eventually and was just waiting for the realization to hit Blaine. That's probably why he had asked Blaine if he was happy here. That's why Kurt told him not to stay just so that he wouldn't feel bad.

"We're supposed to move in on Saturday," he says, taking a big sip of his wine and trying not to look at the way Kurt's eyes are bugging out a little in surprise.

"Wow, Saturday," he says. "I guess I should call some movers."

"You really don't have to do that," Blaine says. He's already put Kurt out enough; he doesn't need to worry about helping them move.

"Blaine," Kurt gives him a glare that shows how unimpressed he is. "You move out in four days and you haven't packed a single thing. You have furniture in storage halfway across town and it's going to be a nightmare trying to get anything done while watching a five year old. I'm getting you a mover, then I'm going to finish my pasta and help you start packing. I cannot believe you waited so long to tell me. When did you find this place?"

"Last week," he mumbles, feeling guilty for waiting so long to tell Kurt. He seems to be taking the news relatively well, even if he does keep looking away with a bit of a sad look, like somebody has kicked his puppy. Blaine isn't sure what he was so afraid of. They've said goodbye to each other before, and this isn't even really a goodbye. It's more of a starting point for them. They need to go their separate ways and grow into themselves more so they can grow back together.

Eventually. Once Jake's trial is over and Blaine stops aching for his husband every time he notices how attractive Kurt is; once Olivia is a little bit more settled and less volatile. He's definitely going to have to wait until he stops hearing Jake's ultimatum all those years ago in his head; _It's him or me_.

How can Blaine honestly look at Kurt that way, try to start anything with him, when he still feels like he's cheating on Jake? It's like Blaine is moving on from Jake and it doesn't seem right. It's Jake, not Kurt, that he vowed to love forever.

Kurt helps them pack their things up over the next few days while singing along to Disney movies on the TV. Olivia is in better spirits after Kurt gives her the very adult task of labeling boxes. It's counter-productive, because Kurt just ends up relabeling everything when Olivia isn't paying attention, but she's happy and smiling again and seems to be back to herself for now.

Blaine is going to miss this; he's going to miss feeling like they are a little family of their own. He'll miss having someone to keep an eye on Liv when he wants to run down to the store to pick up milk. He's going to miss watching Kurt color in a Care Bears coloring book, not caring that Olivia is drawing a unicorn on his arm and possibly staining the beige carpet. He's going to miss having somebody to talk to late at night when he gets lonely and starts thinking too much.

Blaine can't keep replacing Jake with Kurt and expect things to work out. He needs to separate himself and learn to be on his own. He and Olivia need to learn to be a family. He knows that all of these things are important; that he'll be grateful for the change once he gets used to it. He just isn't looking forward to the transitional phase where Olivia will no doubt be asking when they will see Kurt again or she's crying because she doesn't like sleeping in unfamiliar places.

He's packing up Olivia's snacks from the pantry into her backpack so that she'll have something to eat while he, Wes and Mitch get them all moved into the new place. Kurt has a meeting with a potential investor today, though Blaine knows it's killing him not to be able to help more. Olivia is in the living room, sitting on Kurt's lap while he reads her a story. Blaine has to stop and watch the two for several minutes.

Kurt's reading her a book that he has memorized by now. He's not even looking at the page as he does the silly voice for the lion, making Liv laugh so loudly that she almost falls off of his lap. Kurt's watching her in amazement, the way Blaine often watches her. Like he can't believe somebody so perfect exists.

That's when Blaine catches it, the longing that Kurt's feeling. He wonders if Kurt's ever going to realize that he wants a family. He always talks about being a single bachelor for the rest of his life, but Blaine knows that Kurt's meant for fatherhood. He's meant to have children, to have somebody to take care of who he can love unconditionally. He's meant to have a reason not to work so hard; to stay at home that no boyfriend could ever give him. He wonders when Kurt is going to realize that.

If the look that Kurt's giving his daughter is any indication, he thinks he already has.

"Alright, we should probably go. The movers will be at the apartment soon so I need to go pick up the keys," he says, hating that he has to break up such a sweet moment.

Kurt puts Olivia down and makes his way over to stand by Blaine.

"So I guess this is goodbye," Kurt says, hands in his pocket and eyes trained on the floor.

"This could be goodbye," Blaine says. "I certainly wouldn't fault you for saying it. But it can always be a see you later."

"Are we leaving now, daddy?" Olivia asks, taking her backpack and slipping it on. Blaine nods, unsure why he suddenly has tears in his eyes. They aren't saying goodbye forever.

"Goodbye, Kurt," Olivia says, hugging his leg. Kurt leans over and picks her up in his arms giving her a big kiss on the cheek.

"Bye Littlebit," he says, holding her tight. "You listen to your daddy and be a good girl, alright?"

"Okay," she says with a roll of her eyes. "I'm always good."

They all laugh at that, neither adult bringing up the countless times she's been less than an angel.

"Thank you," Blaine says, pulling Kurt into a hug of his own once Olivia is back on the floor. "You'll never know how much you've saved the two of us. I couldn't have done any of this without you."

"You could have done all of it without me," Kurt says with a shaky smile. "But I was happy to make things a little easier on you. You know that my door is always open."

"I'll see you later, Kurt," Blaine says, giving him a look to let Kurt know that this is his chance to say goodbye for good. If Kurt needs this to be a forever thing, this is the chance to tell him. He can just say goodbye and Blaine will walk out of that door and never bother him again.

"I'll see you two around."


	5. May 2, 2028

Blaine crawls into his bed once Olivia is finally asleep. He's exhausted from a long week at work trying to prepare his kids for the spring showcase, but he's still a bit wired from the musical they all just got home from. Kurt's already in his pajamas—they agreed not to sleep naked unless Olivia was spending the night elsewhere—and was frantically typing away on his laptop trying to finish up the review he had been commissioned to write for the New York Times. Now that _Breakaway_ has been on Broadway for awhile and has started to turn a profit, Kurt has decided to spend some time doing freelance work instead. He claims to need a break from musical writing so that he can find his next inspiration. It works out well for them. Though Kurt still maintains a producer credit on his show that keeps him busy, he has a lot more free time to spend at home with Olivia and Blaine.

By home, he means his and Olivia's apartment. The two of them have yet to move in together, despite spending at least five nights a week with each other. The only night they consistently spend apart is Friday—Blaine and Olivia's date night. Blaine knows that it's important for him to spend time with just Olivia so that she doesn't ever feel that she's less important to him.

She's almost seven now and finishing up her last month as a first grader. She's got a good group of friends between school and dance classes, but sometimes he can tell she still has a hard time adjusting. She's painfully shy until she gets to know people. She's got the tiniest hint of a lisp left over from the speech problems she had when she was younger; the speech problem that got worse after the attack.

Olivia really is doing better now. She's learned to accept Kurt as Blaine's boyfriend, realizing that nobody is trying to replace Jake in her life. Her nightmares have become few and far between. The more Olivia heals from the attack, the easier it becomes for Blaine to heal. He can look back on his 'old' life with Jake and remember the happy times. It is becoming easier to silence the sounds of his daughter's frantic screams, of a metal bat cracking a fragile skull...

"You're thinking very loudly," Kurt says, shutting his laptop and turning onto his side so that he can give Blaine his full attention.

"I'm just thinking, it's nothing," he says honestly, because it really isn't anything they haven't discussed before. It's been long enough since the attack that he doesn't have the pressing need to bring it up like he used to. It's a memory, distant and still horrible, but not nearly as debilitating as it used to be.

"I'm going to be in Boston next week," Kurt says. He's gotten very good at recognizing when he needs to push Blaine to talk and when it's okay to ignore it. This is one of those times that Blaine doesn't need to be prodded.

"What for?"

"The US Tour is kicking off there and I've got to oversee the final rehearsals and do some press," he says, running his fingers over Blaine's sternum where his T-shirt dips down to reveal the start of his chest hair. Blaine sends him a knowing smile, he doesn't quite understand the appeal but he knows that the dark hair on his chest always turns Kurt on.

"How long will you be gone?"

"Hopefully only a week," he says. "Longer if I need to be. But Samantha has been out there for a couple weeks already and she seems to think that everything is perfect, so I shouldn't have to stay."

"You're going to miss Liv's recital," Blaine reminds him.

"I know, I'm a horrible person," he groans. "Do you think she's going to be upset? I can try and fly back for just that night."

"She'll be fine," he says, putting a finger to Kurt's mouth before he can start seriously contemplating returning home just for a three minute dance routine. "Rachel and Mitch are coming and I'll just take Wes instead."

"You're replacing me with your straight boyfriend," Kurt jokes.

"Somehow I doubt a straight married man can take your place," Blaine says, leaning in for a soft, lingering kiss.

"You know, I was reviewing the tour dates last night," Kurt says once they've pulled away. "The show will be in Austin the week after school gets out, we should all go."

"You want to take a family vacation together," he says with a fond smile.

"We've taken them before."

"Yes, to go to your aunt's wedding in Chicago," he says, like there's a big distinction between going on a trip for a family event than simply traveling somewhere together to spent time together.

"So what do you say?" Kurt asks.

"Sound lovely," Blaine says, starting to doze off a bit now that he's had some time to settle down from the second-hand adrenaline rush that watching live theatre always seems to give him. "We can talk to Liv about it in the morning."

The two of them fall asleep like they do most nights, twined into each other in every way so that it's hard to tell where Kurt ends and Blaine begins. He prefers to sleep like this; it makes him feel safe and secure. He doesn't like sleeping alone. He doesn't like waking up to an empty bed and a lingering fear that the people he loves always end up dying.

The last night before Kurt leaves for Boston they are at Kurt's apartment for a change. Rachel has Olivia for the night so that they can wake up early and go to some mother-daughter camping event Olivia's school is sponsoring.

The two men are just coming down from impressive orgasms when Kurt clears his throat.

"I was thinking," Kurt trails off, waiting until Blaine turns to give him his full attention. "When I come home, we should start looking for places."

"What do you mean?" Blaine asks, though he's pretty sure he understands where Kurt is going with this. They've been talking about how stupid it is for them to have separate apartments when they practically live together anyway. Blaine had always kind of assumed that they would move into his place. Sure, it's not as big or fancy as Kurt's, but it's more homey. It's close to Olivia's school and dance studio; he isn't crazy about the idea of finding a brand new place and having to make Olivia change homes again.

"Well, your lease is up at the end of June and I only need to give my place sixty days notice," Kurt explains slowly, like he's been rehearsing this in the mirror. "I think it's time that we start looking for a place that can be both of ours."

"Do you think we're ready for that?" A knot of fear is starting to form in his stomach. He doesn't do well with change, he never has and it's only gotten worse in the last few years. He's comfortable with the way things are, they have a steady routine. Why would they mess that up?

"We've been together almost two years," Kurt says, choosing his wording very carefully. He had to have known that Blaine would be hesitant about the idea of moving. "We practically live together now."

"Yeah, but why not just move into my place? You're always there."

"Blaine," Kurt gives him a look that says he thinks Blaine is being difficult.

He doesn't mean to be, he just doesn't want to move. He likes his place, it's not the largest apartment but it works for them. He likes that it's cozy and warm and stuffed to the brim with knick-knacks, pictures and toys. He likes that it feels lived in and not empty like Kurt's place can feel whenever Kurt's at work and Blaine is left there alone.

The clean, modern simplicity of Kurt's place works really well for Kurt, but it doesn't really work for a family with a young child. Olivia needs a place that she can play without Blaine worrying over how expensive everything that she touches is. How expensive it will be to fix it when she inevitably breaks it or stains it with grape juice or finger paint.

"I could clean out some of my closet, we could make room for your stuff," he says, though he knows that he's grasping at straws. They don't have the space for all of their things; they barely have the space to fit Blaine and Olivia.

"We need to live somewhere bigger, preferably with a twenty-four hour doorman. I know that you don't have as many problems as you used to, but the fact remains that you still get the occasional creep trying to snap your picture or convert you to Jesus. If I'm going to be living with you as well it's just going to make security problems worse. Besides, we're thirty-three. Don't you want to own your own place?"

"And by own my own place, you mean let you buy one for me?" Blaine shoots him a dirty look, money has been a sour point for them.

Blaine doesn't like that Kurt refuses to let him pay for anything. Kurt always argues that he doesn't see the point in spending Blaine's money. He's got more than one person can really spend on themselves and he's happy to spend it on the people he loves, he doesn't see the problem with that. He wishes Kurt understood that Blaine needs to feel like he's contributing, especially since he can never begin to pay Kurt back the money he spent during the few months that Blaine and Olivia lived with Kurt. He can never buy back the rights to DVD sales, soundtrack profits, and lord knows what else Kurt signed away to help keep his name out of the paper.

"Your name will be on the mortgage and you can pay some of the down payment if it makes you feel better about this, but if we are going to live together, I want to live somewhere that is ours. Somewhere we both picked out together. It's not fair for one of us to always feel like a guest in the other's home."

"You know you don't have to feel like a guest whenever you're over," Blaine says.

"I know," Kurt explains, running a gentle hand through the curls that have come loose on his head. Blaine knows he's not budging on this. He recognizes that look on Kurt's face.

"I guess we can start looking," he says. After all, what's the harm in seeing what is out there? Nothing says they have to buy something right away.

Over the next week, Kurt sends him several emails of listings that he wants Blaine's opinions on. None of the homes are under a million dollars and they are nothing like the small quant town homes Jake and he had been looking at in Brooklyn. They are big and spacious and look un-lived in. He tries to picture his and Olivia's things in the condos and townhouse, but he can't. The walls are stark white, the countertops and cabinets are pristine and all he can picture is how impossible it will be to keep any of it clean when Olivia can barely eat without half of her meal ending up on the floor.

He wants something quaint. He doesn't need it to be tiny; he can appreciate Kurt's need for big open windows that overlook the city and plenty of closet space. He's not saying that they have to live in a small loft in Brooklyn in order to be happy. He also doesn't want to live on the Upper-East side surrounded by the obnoxious, uppity trophy wives he has to deal with whenever he picks Olivia up from school. He just wants them to have a home.

Blaine vetoes everything that Kurt sends his way for one reason or another. Olivia's room wasn't big enough in one place. The bathrooms didn't have a tub in another. He refused to even discuss the renovated war-time era Victorian style home that came on the market near Kurt's current place because it had a chef's kitchen and didn't Kurt realize that they needed an open floor plan when they were living with a small child?

By the time Kurt comes home from Boston and starts setting up appointments to view places, he can tell that Kurt has gotten annoyed with him. Blaine can't help it. If they are planning on living in this place for the rest of their lives, they can wait for the perfect place to come along. He wasn't about to settle, especially when it seemed like Kurt had no understanding of what it was that _he_ wanted.

There is a lot of bickering for the two weeks that they spend aggressively searching for a home. Kurt complains that Blaine is being selfish and unwilling to budge on what he wants. Blaine complains that Kurt keeps forgetting they need to find the perfect home for Olivia and not just the two of them. It all comes to a head one Sunday afternoon when they are looking at a massive loft in an old converted building that used to be home to Tiffany's & Co—the main draw for Kurt—that's located in Midtown and completely not Blaine's style.

"We don't need four bedrooms," Blaine says with a roll of his eyes once the realtor has disappeared to give them some time alone to explore the condo.

"Yes, we do," Kurt says sounding exasperated. "What happens if we have another kid?"

"Excuse me," he says, feeling his heart stop. Since when were they talking about more kids? They were just getting used to the idea of moving in together.

"Breathe, Blaine," Kurt says with nervous smile. "I'm not talking about today, but eventually we might have more kids. I assumed that's what you wanted. That's what I want."

"I already have a kid," he says, not sure why he feels like he's about to panic.

"You're allowed to have more than one," Kurt says. "Don't you think it'd be nice to have one of our own, you know, eventually?"

"You don't feel like Olivia is yours?" he asks, mainly so he doesn't have to say what he's really thinking. He is not ready to be having kids with Kurt.

"Well she's not. I mean, I love her to death, I do," he explains, urging Blaine to look up at him and listen to him. "But she's not my child; I'm never going to be her papa."

"I can't go through another adoption," Blaine says frantically. "I barely survived the last one. Do you know how hard it is to get a baby? They don't just give them away. And I highly doubt Rachel is going to be a surrogate again, she isn't exactly your biggest fan."

"Whoa, calm down. I didn't mean to start a big thing," he says holding his hands up in defense. "I was just saying. We can afford four bedrooms; we should look at four bedrooms. It'd be nice not to have to use my office as a guest bedroom when company comes. We'd have the extra room in case we ever needed it... you really don't want to have a kid with me?"

He sounds so hurt and it kills Blaine to know that he's the reason for it. He hates feeling like he's disappointed Kurt. All of this has taken him completely by surprise. Kurt should know by now that he can't just spring things on Blaine without warning.

"I didn't say that," Blaine says, trying to backpedal before they can get in a fight.

"You may as well have," Kurt says, looking away from Blaine and out the floor to ceiling windows overlooking Central Park.

"I just..." Blaine doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know why he's freaking out about this; it isn't like Kurt wants to have a kid with him right now. They have time to talk about this. They don't have to make a decision today.

"You just don't want to have another kid when it's not with Jake," Kurt says, his voice sounding wet.

"That's not what I meant," Blaine lies; he knows it's at least partially true. He'd gone through the adoption process with Jake. He'd been through the ups and downs of having a baby with him and he doesn't know if he's ready to relive that experience when it's sure to remind him of his dead husband.

"Yes, it is," Kurt says. "That's the reason you were so hesitant to buy a home together, too, isn't it? You were planning on buying a place with Jake once he finished his fellowship."

"No," he says, continuing to lie. He really doesn't want to have this conversation here when the realtor could walk back in at any second. He really doesn't want to ever have this conversation.

"I've never tried to take his place, I've always respected that you still love him. I don't ask for a lot from you," Kurt says. "But at some point you're going to have to learn to love me or this isn't going to work out."

"I do love you," Blaine says, hurt that he could think otherwise. "You know how much I love you."

"When you look at your future, am I there?"

"Of course you are," he says. Why would he be looking to buy a home with Kurt if he didn't think they had a future together?

"How? What do you see?" Kurt says, somewhat angrily. His arms are crossed over his stomach like he's trying to hold himself together. It kills Blaine, he knows that feeling all too well and to know that he's the one doing this to Kurt? It's horrible. He needs to fix this.

"Do you ever picture yourself marrying me? Do we live together? Are we raising a family together? Because I love you and I'm willing to continue to go at your pace if that's what you need. But eventually, I'm going to want more. And I have to know that at some point you're going to be willing to give that to me."

"I just, I love you, isn't that enough?" he asks, his voice small. He doesn't like yelling, he hates confrontation.

"I need you to forgive me. I can't live the rest of my life with you being mad at me for not being Jake," Kurt says, holding his hands out, as if he's pleading with him.

Blaine shakes his head not knowing why he can't say anything. Why it's so hard to tell Kurt that he wants those things, too? He wants Kurt in his future, it's just hard. He promised Jake that he would love him forever, that he would spend the rest of his life with him. Now Jake's gone and he's in love with Kurt as deep as he ever was in love with Jake and it feels so wrong sometimes. He's just gotten over his guilty feelings for dating Kurt, how is he ever supposed to feel alright with the idea of marriage? Kids? Shit, they are moving in together. They are looking at places to buy and some of the last memories he has of Jake is discussing what neighborhood they wanted to buy a home in once Jake finished his fellowship.

"Okay," Kurt says, nodding his head and holding back tears like he's convincing himself that he's going to be alright. "It's okay. I get it. You gave your heart to Jake and you don't want to get married again, I understand. But..." his voice starts to hitch and Blaine watches him begin to cry. "I want those things. I want to be married and I want to have my own kids. I don't want to feel like I'm living in another man's shadow for the rest of my life. I love you _so_ much but if this is how it's going to be, I guess this is goodbye."

"What?" Blaine cries, completely shocked. They are supposed to talk about these things. They are supposed to argue and cry, but they don't say goodbye. Not again.

"I need somebody that can give me a future, and as much as this pains me to say it, if you can't then I'm going to have to go."

He wonders when this Kurt came to be. He used to be the man that scoffed at the idea of kids. He was the one that put his career before relationships. Now he is so desperate for a family of his own that he is willing to break up with Blaine if he can't give that to him? On one hand, he's proud. Happy that Kurt's finally realizing that what he needs in live isn't another successful show, that it's love—the kind of love that only a family of your own can bring. It completely sucks on the other hand, because it means that if Blaine can't speak up and say that he wants those things, too, he'll lose Kurt.

"Okay," Blaine says, hating himself for it. It's not okay. Blaine can give him those things; he _wants_ to give him those things. So why is he saying it's okay?

"So, what do you gentlemen think of the place?" the realtor comes back in before Blaine has a chance to change Kurt's mind. "The views are rather incredible and it's just been completely renovated. Places in this neighborhood are incredibly rare to find."

"We're going to pass," Kurt says, wiping his eyes. He gives Blaine one final look, before turning on his heels and walking away. As soon as the door closes behind him, Blaine can hear Kurt break into sobs.

He did that. He caused that all because he couldn't just speak up and say what he really wanted. Tell Kurt how he really felt. How could he not see that this was where they had always been headed?

He's such an idiot. He's just let one of the best things to ever happen to him walk out the door. He waits until he's sure that Kurt has gone before leaving himself. He doesn't know if he can look at Kurt right now, not so long as he's been rendered completely speechless. He can't fix this, not until he can figure out why he's too scared to just say something.

He's going to need to schedule a session with his therapist. He hates to think that it's come to that, but if it's a matter of him sucking it up and accepting the help and advice of a professional or losing Kurt, that's what he's going to have to do.

On the walk home, he passes a small boy with bright blue eyes that are so achingly familiar it hurts. Why couldn't he just tell Kurt that he'd love to have a child with him? The thought of a little Kurt out there in the world, one that they could rock to sleep at night and sing songs to in the day, it was a powerful vision. One he desperately wanted. He just needed to find a way to ask for it, to be okay with wanting that.

Jake would want him to be happy, wouldn't he? He'd want Olivia to have the little sibling they'd always planned on having, wouldn't he?

Blaine pulled out his phone and texted Kurt one simple word.

_To Kurt:_

**Okay.**

For some reason, he knows that Kurt will understand. That he won't need to explain that he's not accepting Kurt's goodbye, but he's accepting Kurt's future. He's accepting Kurt.

It's not but a minute later that he gets his response.

To Blaine:

**Okay 3**


	6. March 27, 2023

In the end, Kurt didn't make a big deal out of proposing to Blaine. That was good, because Blaine had been freaked out enough as it was without worrying over messing up a perfectly planned proposal. The two of them had simply been relaxing at home together watching an old Gene Kelly movie when Kurt looked over at him and said, "I want to be your husband." That had been that. With the exception of Blaine's two-day freak out over marrying somebody else after what had happened to Jake, they have been happily engaged ever since, all 180 days since.

Now, five and a half years since getting back together and twenty-one years since their first kiss, Blaine is finally going to marry Kurt today.

Blaine wakes up the morning of his wedding in Rachel's apartment. Kurt and the rest of the Hummel-Hudson's are currently sleeping at their loft and the two had decided they wanted to spend their last night before the big day apart. Even though they aren't ones for doing things traditionally, there were some traditions they didn't want to ignore. Their wedding was going to be everything they had ever dreamed of back in high school and more.

"Morning," Rachel says, pushing her way into his room. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm not sure, excited?" he says, more of a question than it should be. "I guess I'm a little stressed."

She raises her eyebrows at him, judging him a bit. "I don't think you're supposed to be stressed out when you're marrying somebody."

"There are just a lot of things that have come up at the last minute. I'm just worried about the caterers forgetting about allergies and the church not being unlocked early for the decorators to come. There are so many little things that have to fall together or it's going to be a disaster."

"Even if something happens, it'll be okay," she says, sitting down on the bed with him and pulling him into a hug. "Kurt loves you and he'll still love you without a perfect wedding."

"That's what you think," Blaine says, though he's obviously joking. He knows that Rachel is right but that doesn't stop him from going through all the details and making sure they haven't forgotten anything. He'd sent at least thirteen texts to Kurt last night asking about this or that, worrying over every detail.

"Come on, let's get some breakfast in you and you'll feel better," she says, pulling on his arm until he's standing. "Your children are up and eating already."

Blaine walks out to see both Jason and Olivia sitting at the kitchen table with Mitch eating already. Jason, the three year old Asian boy Kurt and he had adopted a year and a half ago, has managed to get icing in his hair and all down his shirt.

"Mitchy bought us cinnamon buns," Olivia says excitedly.

"I figure it's a special day," Rachel's husband says with a shrug. "It's kind of a family tradition now, isn't it?"

"That it is," Blaine says, sitting next to Jason and grabbing a plate for himself. It's too late to try and stop Jason from getting the icing everywhere so he just lets it happen. He was going to need a bath before they left for the church anyway.

"When do we get to see Grandma and Uncle Cooper?" Olivia asks. She's managed to keep icing out of her hair, but it's still covering her face. It makes Blaine smile knowing that no matter how old she gets she'll always be that adorably messy toddler.

"They'll meet us at the church and then you're both going to go home with Grandma."

"Unca Coopa! Unca Coopa!" Jason starts to shout. He's only met his uncle once before, but he still worships the ground Cooper walks on. Cooper loves it; Kurt is less amused about the fact, considering Cooper gave Jason a water gun that had soaked Kurt's favorite sweater before a big meeting the last time he was in town.

"Finish your food, Jace," Blaine says, pushing his chair closer to the table so he can try and save Rachel's floor from the mess. "We've got to get cleaned up so that we can go to the church. Daddy's getting married today!"

They all finish up their food and are clean and showered in time for the car service to pick them up promptly at eleven o'clock. Rachel and Mitch come along with them to help with any last minute things. Blaine's happy that she's so eager to help him out. It was only a few years ago that she couldn't stand the thought of him and Kurt together. The two have since worked things out, and while they'll never be best friends like Blaine and Rachel, they still care about each other. It's more than Blaine had ever expected of them.

When they get to the church Blaine is pulled away by the wedding planner and brought to a small powder room off to the side where he is to get ready. He's been given strict instructions to remain here and relax, she's promised to take care of everything.

He walks over to the vanity and smiles when he sees an envelope with a yellow post-it note attached to it written in familiar handwriting.

_This came in the mail yesterday; I thought it might be something you might want. I didn't read it, I have no idea what it says, but I've got a good guess. No matter what, I love you and I think you are the strongest man I have ever known. I cannot wait to say 'I do' and be able to call you mine forever. _

_Always and forever,_

_Kurt_

_PS- remember not to play with your hair once they style it, you always run your hands through your hair when you're nervous!_

Blaine peels the sticky note off of the envelope and is surprised to see that the envelope has the Department of Justice Federal Bureau of Prisons logo in the corner. He has a moment of panic that the courts have decided to offer Jake's murderer parole before he notices the handwritten address in the corner.

Martin Peterson 19234-982

P.O. Box 33

Terre Haute, IN 47808

Blaine feels his throat start to tighten and an invisible hand starts to squeeze at his heart. He opens the envelope with trembling hands and pulls out a handwritten letter, written on a page from a yellow legal pad.

_Dear Blaine and Olivia Anderson,_

_I have started this letter so many times over the last couple of years, but was never able to finish it. Writing an apology letter after what I did seems so trivial. As if a single letter could ever make up for the horrible suffering that I put your family through. I took a loving father and husband away. I left the two of you alone in this world to suffer through the hardships of living in a single-parent household. There is no excuse for the evil that I have done. There are no words that could ever bring Jake Anderson back, and for that I am infinitely sorry. _

_I believed that, due to Jake's sexuality, there was no value to his life. I've come to realize that who a man decides to love, no matter if I approve of it or not, does not make him any less of a person. In fact, it sounds like Jake was an amazing person, a precious and innately good man, and our world could use a few more of those. _

_I can never tell you enough how sorry I am for what I did to your family that day. My actions were shameful and unforgivable. I can tell you that I have learned from my actions. You have helped teach me that spending your life hating somebody, especially a stranger, is pointless. There isn't much I can do to change my life from inside of my cell. I'm okay with that. I'm exactly where I need to be. I do hope and pray that the two of you have found a sense of solace. I hope that the world is treating you kinder than I ever did. I hope that you never have to experience the hate that I directed towards you again. _

_You are both beautiful people with loving hearts. I didn't deserve any consideration from you that day, but you saw passed that. You saw a son that never knew any better. You saw a wife desperately trying to right her family's terrible wrong. You took pity on them. You asked for leniency in my case that I never should have gotten and for that I owe you even more. _

_I will spend the rest of my life apologizing for my actions, but that won't ever be enough. I hope you know that I've taken responsibility for my actions. There isn't a single day I don't think of Jake and wish that I could change things. I am so utterly and completely sorry. _

_Martin Peterson_

Blaine can barely read the last few lines through his tears. It's been awhile since he's really thought about Martin Peterson. He's always there—always will be—at the back of his mind. It's been awhile since Blaine's really allowed himself to think too much about the man. He certainly never expected to get a letter from him; not when he had looked so unfazed throughout the entire trial.

This was what Blaine had asked for, wasn't it? He'd specifically asked the judge to give the man time in prison to think about what he'd done. He'd asked for time to be able to feel remorse and eventually get over the hate that had lead to Jake being murdered.

It's bittersweet. He's happy to hear that the man has learned his lesson, that he's finally realized what he did was wrong. All the apologizing in the world won't bring Jake back. It won't change anything that happened. Blaine's left with this weird, twisting feeling of taking his first breath while underwater and finding out that he isn't dying. He can live in this darker place and be okay. Be happy even.

It's his wedding day, and in that sense, it's the happiest he can remember being. He's about to marry the love of his life. He's already had a love of his life, Jake. That doesn't make him any less excited for the day. That doesn't make his love for Kurt any less, either, but it does make it different.

"Hey, you ready for this?" Cooper knocks on the door, peeking his head into the powder room to tell him that it's time to take his place in the church.

"Yeah," Blaine says, wiping the tears from his face. He looks in the mirror and frowns at his red eyes. He can't go out there looking like this. "Just another minute."

"You alright?" Cooper asks, shutting the door behind him so they can have some privacy. "You're not having second thoughts are you?"

"No, no," Blaine says with an easy laugh. "Just having a moment. It'll pass."

Cooper notices the envelope on the vanity and the letter in Blaine's hands but thankfully doesn't say anything.

"Take all the time you need, they aren't going to start without you," Cooper says, patting him on the back.

"Thanks," Blaine says. "Can you go get Olivia for me?"

He doesn't think this is the most appropriate time to share this with his baby girl, but he also doesn't know if he can bring the two of them into this new phase of their lives without fully closing the door on this painful one. He needs to see her, he needs to be able to look at her and see her smile and know that they are alright.

"Sure thing," Cooper says, leaving the room to go find her.

A few minutes later Olivia is walking into the room. She's wearing the prettiest gold dress that Kurt had helped her pick out. Her hair is done up and she's got the tiniest hint of lip gloss on, she's not his baby anymore. She's growing up so fast, and at ten years old he barely recognizes her sometimes.

"Daddy?" she says, giving him a confused look. "Uncle Coop said you needed me."

"Come here, Littlebit," he says, using the old nickname he stopped using once Olivia determined she was too old for it. She doesn't seem to mind today. She walks right into his arms and lets him pull her onto his lap.

"What's going on?" she asks.

"Nothing," he says with a shake of his head. "I just wanted to see you one more time before I went out there."

"Are you okay?" she asks, noticing the few stray tears left on his cheeks. She reaches her small hands up to brush them away.

"I'm perfect," he says. "How are you? Are you alright with all of this? Me marrying Kurt?"

"It's a little late to ask," she says, her smile helping to ease the ache in his chest.

"I know we've talked about it before, but still?"

"I love Kurt and Jason. They are our family. I'm okay. I'll be able to tell people that Kurt's my dad and not just my dad's boyfriend," she says, her eyes are trained to his bow tie and he can't tell what she's thinking when he can't see her expression.

"You know that Kurt's never going to take the place of your real Papa, right?" he asks. He says it to her all of the time, but he always feels the need to constantly remind her. She's long since gotten over the jealousy of Blaine and Kurt being together but there's always that lingering insecurity she has of being forgotten. It's that same insecurity that had taken her months to adjust to the idea of having a little brother.

She nods, giving him a shaky smile.

"Do you think Papa will be upset with us?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Why would he be upset?"

"Because we're happy," she says, sniffling a bit. "I want you to marry Kurt, I really do. But I don't think I'm supposed to."

"Your papa only ever wanted you to be happy," he says, hugging her tight and burying his head in her hair. It no longer smells like strawberry shampoo, she was much too old now to use baby shampoo, but he still liked to smell her hair every so often. He hopes that's a normal parent thing. "He wouldn't be upset with you. He'll never be upset with you."

"Sometimes I still miss him."

"I always miss him," Blaine says, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her back. "But that doesn't mean we have to be sad all of the time. We're allowed to be happy."

"Yeah," she says with a smile. "I'm happy you're happy."

"Thank you," he says, squeezing her just a little bit tighter. "And you know I love you more than anything else in the world."

"More than Jason?" she says, teasing him.

"I love you the same as Jason," he gives her a pointed look.

He changes his mind about letting her read the letter today. It's a happy day and she doesn't need to be brought down by memories of a childhood trauma that happened when she was so young. He stands up and pockets the letter, putting it out of his mind. He's got a wonderful family, two amazing children, and a fiancé that has stuck by his side through it all. He has a fiancée that is dying to tell the world that their love is a forever love. As for Jake, well, he wasn't lying when he told Olivia that Jake would want that for them. He'd only ever wanted them to be whole, happy and loved.

The two of them make their way out of the room, hand in hand and walk towards the garden of the church, a small but colorful garden that Kurt had spent weeks finding for them. It's small like Blaine had asked for, but it's still overwhelming beautiful. When he steps out into the garden and sees his fiancée... his soon to be husband smiling back at him, he knows that he's through with all the heartbreak.

He's ready to start a happy chapter in his life and put all of the hate and painful suffering behind him. He's through with the panic attacks over never being good enough for his father. He's passed the back and forth of wondering if Kurt will ever love him and the pain of hearing goodbye too many times. He's moving passed the anguish that consumed him for so long over losing Jake. He's looking into the future and ready to move on.

"I love you," Kurt whispers into his ear as they take their spots in front of all of their close friends and family. Blaine beams at him as the pastor thanks everyone for coming. They lock eyes and continue to stare at each other as the pastor waxes on about love and the beauty of committing oneself to another. Blaine tries to pay attention, but he can't seem to look away from the stunning man next to him.

The ceremony is going wonderfully, at least, from the parts Blaine actually pays attention to. Rachel sings them a stripped down version of Brandi Carlile's 'The Story' that's incredibly moving. Olivia reads a poem about love and commitment that brings everyone to tears. The pastor that they've picked to perform the ceremony manages to insert just enough humor that it keeps the mood light despite the emotional performances. Sooner than Blaine had expected it's time for them to read the vows that they wrote for each other.

"Kurt Hummel," Blaine says, his voice is starting to crack. He just hopes that he can remember everything that he'd written down. He practiced this in the mirror all last night, but he didn't expect to be this emotional either, not this early on in his speech.

"I promise to never let you feel like a second choice. I promise to trust you with my heart and know that you'll never do anything to hurt me. I promise to support you in everything you do, even if I don't always agree with you. To love you and care for you through the good times and the bad. I promise to be _here_... to never be anywhere else but right here at your side. With this ring, I swear to you that I won't ever, _ever_ say goodbye. That even though we aren't perfect, _we_ are perfect—you and me, together forever. I'm through with goodbyes. You're the love of my life and I can't wait to spend the rest of forever loving you."

"Blaine Anderson," the pastor says, getting his attention back. "Do you take Kurt Hummel to be your lawfully wedded husband to live to together in marriage? Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health? And forsaking all others be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?"

"I do," Blaine says. He slips the platinum band onto Kurt's finger and brings his hand up to kiss the ring several times. Kurt's got tears in his eyes, but he's smiling big and bright, brighter than Blaine's ever seen before.

"God, why did I let you go first, now I'm a mess," Kurt cries, fanning at his face to stop from crying. Their friends all laugh as Finn passes Kurt a tissue. "Okay, I'm okay..." He hands the tissue back to Finn, waving him off. Then he turns back to Blaine and takes both of his hands, holding on tightly.

"Blaine Anderson, I could never picture a better father for our children or a stronger man. You give me hope when I feel worthless. You give me a reason to fight when I'm feeling weak. You are the best friend I've ever had and I still can't believe that you've agreed to spend the rest of your life with me. It's been a long road for you and me, but I'm done with second guessing our relationship. I love you and I've never loved anybody else but you in the twenty-one years we've known each other. You are my first love and I never intend to say goodbye to you ever again. I love you. I want to spend forever waking up next to you in the morning. I want to spend forever hearing you sing as you burn dinner..." Kurt pauses, laughing nervously as he cries. Blaine's biting his lip to hold back his tears as well.

"I want to spend forever learning everything about you and then re-learning everything all over again because there will never be a single version of you that I don't want in my life. I want to grow and change together and I want to be old, wrinkled and crazy with you. _This_, what we have right now, it's not going anywhere."

"Kurt Hummel," The pastor says.

"Yes—" Kurt cuts him off with an excited waving of hands. "I do, I do, oui je le veux, of course I do."

"Okay," the pastor says as everyone laughs. Kurt slips the ring on Blaine's finger and it feels like he's finally home. There's a weight that's been missing for a few years and he's felt empty without it. He's finally somebody's husband again. Not just anybody's husband, Kurt's husband—his best friend, his lover. He's finally got a place where he belongs that no homophobic law can take away from him.

"Well, by the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and husband."

Later that night after Kurt and Blaine have said goodbye to all of their guests and have headed to their luxury suite at the Mandarin Oriental, they are laying in bed exhausted. The wedding itself had been gorgeous and seeing all of their friends and family had been nice, but the boys were happy that their long day was over and they could finally stop saying the words, 'boyfriend' and 'fiancée.'

"We're married now," Kurt says, leaning in close, a smile permanently glued to his face ever since 'I do.'

"I know," Blaine says with a childish giggle, he doesn't know why getting married and having his new husband in bed with him suddenly makes him feel sixteen again, scandalized and incredibly turned on to have another man in his bed. He's been sleeping with Kurt for years.

"You're my husband."

"That's typically what getting married means," Blaine teases.

"Shush you," Kurt says, pulling him in for a gentle kiss, one of hundreds they've shared today.

Blaine grabs onto the back of Kurt's neck so that he can't pull away and gently nudges Kurt to open his mouth so that their tongues can brush together. It's the simplest of kisses, no different than the thousands of kisses they've shared over the last twenty-one years of knowing each other, but it pulls at Blaine every time until he feels a heat begin to stir in his stomach and his toes are curling in pleasure.

"Do you think Jason and Olivia are alright with your mother?" Kurt asks when they break away.

"Really?" Blaine gives him a disbelieving look. He moves to get out of bed but Kurt grabs onto his hips to make him stay.

"No, wait, I'm sorry," Kurt says, pouting as Blaine continues to get out of the bed. "I'll stop thinking about it."

"No," Blaine shakes his pleading off, not remotely upset by his comment. He's just looking for his cell phone. "Now you've got me worried. I'm just going to call and check up on them so that she can tell us they're alright and we don't have to think about it."

"He hasn't spent the night away from us since coming home," Kurt says. Blaine understands how Kurt's feeling. He's felt it before, both earlier today when he said goodbye to their three year old son, and also with Olivia. Every time she has a major first he feels like he has to be right there next to her, holding her hand and making sure she's alright. He remembers what a mess both Jake and he were the first night Olivia slept over at Rachel's.

"I'm sure he's fine," Blaine says, sending Kurt a reassuring look. He has to do this often, because Blaine's been through parenting a toddler before but it's all brand new to Kurt who never had to take care of Olivia until she was almost five.

"It's your honeymoon," Cooper picks up the phone after Blaine dials his mother's number. He must be in his mom's room helping with the kids. "Shouldn't you be busy with s-e-x- by now?"

"Do you really think that Olivia can't spell?" Blaine rolls his eyes, amused. He misses his brother. It's been a long time since Blaine's been able to go home for a holiday and the wedding had certainly had too much going on to really spend any quality time together. He's going to have to plan a trip back to Ohio soon. Once he gets back from his honeymoon in El Nido.

"Whatever. Why are you calling when you are supposed to be doing other, more exciting things?" Cooper asks.

"I just want to make sure the kids are alright," Blaine says.

"They're fine. You know, we're not going to forget to feed them or anything."

"I know, I just... he's never been away from home," Blaine admits, letting a bit of his worry come out.

"Relax," Cooper says. "I understand. I still freak out whenever I have to spend a night away from Lexi but Jason is going to be fine. Olivia is reading a story to him right now and we're all getting ready for bed. There's nothing to worry about."

"You know that you can call us if you need to," Blaine explains. "We'll leave our phones on."

"It won't be necessary, but thanks," Cooper says. "Now go get rough and dirty, it's your wedding night!"

"Coop," Blaine blushes, praying that his kids didn't overhear their uncle.

"Night baby brother," Cooper says hanging up the phone.

"He says they're fine, just getting ready for bed," Blaine says. "Now, where were we?"

Blaine laughs as Kurt catches him by the wrist and pulls him down onto the bed with him. They roll around for a bit, tongues in a lazy fight for dominance that neither of them is really concerned with winning. It's an entirely amazing feeling to pull on Kurt's lower lip with his teeth, hear him whine, and know that he gets to do that for the rest of his life. That there is a ring on both of their fingers that lets the world know they are forever and is recognized no matter what state they are in.

Blaine releases Kurt's lip with a sinful smack and let's Kurt take over for awhile, enjoying the feeling of his husband's skillful tongue pushing into his mouth. Sex between them has always been a greedy and desperate thing. They are constantly pushing for more, needing to have the other as close as humanly possible. This is different. They don't have to be so needy anymore. Nothing is tearing them apart, nobody is saying goodbye.

Blaine lets out an audible gasp when Kurt finally rolls him over and pins him down to the bed. He holds Blaine's arms over his head so that he can't move as he licks a wet strip up his neck. Between Kurt's warm tongue and the familiar weight on top of him, Blaine's arousal intensifies and he can't help but thrust up against Kurt who instantly moans. The feel of Kurt's moan vibrating against Blaine's neck is intoxicating and suddenly their lazy kisses are over. This is the desperate need that he's so used to.

Kurt loves taking control, holding Blaine's arms above his head so he can't touch him. He loves teasing Blaine with his tongue until he begs. Blaine's learned to enjoy these moments; they make him feel completely owned. Kurt pulls away to watch Blaine for a moment. His pupils are blown out and he's panting heavily. Blaine's not sure he looks much better.

Kurt leans down to start kissing his neck, biting just hard enough to tingle but not enough to make Blaine ask him to stop. The two grind against each other until they are both completely hard.

"Kurt," Blaine says, breathless, pulling his hands a bit until Kurt gets the hint to let go of his wrists. When he finally does, Blaine pushes Kurt back so that he can pull his own shirt over his head. It's quickly followed by Kurt's.

"God, you're beautiful," Kurt pants, leaning over to suck on Blaine's nipple. Blaine lets out a load moan, praying that the hotel has thick walls because he doesn't think he can stay quiet through this. Not tonight.

Blaine grabs a handful of Kurt's hair and tugs just hard enough to get his attention. Kurt takes the hint and allows himself to be pulled up into a dirty kiss. Teeth clashing, tongues thrusting inside, but both of them being too turned on to care about it.

Once Kurt's hands start traveling over his body again and begin pulling at his hips Blaine releases his grip on Kurt's hair and pushes at his shoulders. He rearranges them until Kurt is on his back and Blaine is kneeling between his legs. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to control himself, so that he can get through this without rutting against the sheets like a high school virgin.

Once he feels himself starting to breathe a bit more normally he moves back until he's able to lick at the place where Kurt's perfect skin disappears beneath a pair of black briefs that Blaine is pretty sure once belonged to him.

"Don't come until I tell you to," Blaine commands. When Kurt doesn't respond, Blaine nips at his hip in punishment.

"Kurt," he says with a warning tone. He knows that it does things to Kurt when he's like this. They both go back and forth between wanting a strong man to command them around the bedroom and wanting to be that man. It's the slightest bit kinky, but it works for them and they are careful to never take it too far.

"Yes," Kurt whines. "Please, babe."

"Yes, what?" Blaine asks, waiting for the answer he wants, no matter how delicious Kurt smells from down here and how eager he is to get started.

"I won't come," he says.

"Not until you're inside me," Blaine says.

He takes Kurt's briefs into his teeth and starts to drag them down using his hands as well to speed along the process. Once the final garment is gone and Kurt is finally, gloriously naked in front of him, Blaine starts to kiss his way back up Kurt's body starting with his muscular calves. He stops at the places he knows Kurt is most sensitive and spends some time there licking and nipping while Kurt thrashes around on the bed and begs Blaine to stop teasing him.

When he reaches the place where Kurt's thigh meets his hip, he bites down so that his mark will stay there for a few days. He wants Kurt to be able to look down and remember that he belongs to Blaine, just like Blaine belongs to him. He presses his tongue hard against the underside of Kurt's already leaking cock.

"Yes," Kurt cries out. Blaine blows gently, letting the cool air hit Kurt until he's shivering. Then he moves back down to where he started and begins making his way back up the other leg.

"No," Kurt whines, sounding so young. "Blaine!"

"Be good or you won't get a present," Blaine says chuckling, he loves when Kurt gets needy like this.

"I hate you," Kurt says trying to sound angry but Blaine knows Kurt can't manage that when Blaine is sucking at that spot right above his knee. Blaine glances up to watch Kurt and isn't surprised to see that he's covered his face with a pillow and is shaking. His husband is desperate but knows better than to beg again. Blaine's been known to leave Kurt hard and wanting for being too impatient before.

Of course, that doesn't mean Blaine won't have to face Kurt's wrath after this is over. In fact he's counting on it, hoping Kurt will punish him.

Once Kurt starts hitting at the mattress, Blaine knows it's time to stop teasing. He doesn't even bother licking at Kurt's cock before he sinks his mouth down on him as far as he can go. He feels Kurt hit the back of his throat, but he's long since learned how to control his gag reflex for maximum pleasure. He begins to suck at him, pulling back enough to swirl his tongue over the head then sinks back down again. He keeps up an agonizing speed and he honestly doesn't know how Kurt manages to hold on for so long. Blaine never can last when the roles are reversed; not when there's been so much lead up.

"Stop! Stop!" Kurt finally cries out and Blaine pulls off, pre-come dripping down his chin. He's completely debauched by this point, his hair is a mess thanks to Kurt's frantic hands, but he's never felt sexier. Not with the way Kurt is looking at him like the world could end right now and he wouldn't care.

"Are you about to safe word me?" he asks, amused and panting for air now that he's able to take big gasps of it again.

"Did you still want me to not come?" Kurt fires back with a raised eyebrow.

Blaine's eyes dart back and forth between Kurt's face and his leaking cock. He wants to be able to taste Kurt when he comes, swallow him down, but he also needs to be able to feel Kurt inside of him. It's their first night together as a married couple; he wants to be as close as humanly possible.

"Fine," Blaine groans, pulling at himself through his briefs to try and relieve some of the pressure. He's digging around in their duffle bag for the bottle of lube that he's too worked up to find. He needs to calm down. If Kurt's about to be stretching him, Blaine knows it's going to take a lot of effort not to come. Kurt does nearly pornographic things with his fingers.

Kurt sits up and moves so that he's behind Blaine. He kisses at the back of Blaine's neck and wraps his arms around Blaine so that he can run his soft fingers up and down Blaine's chest. Blaine's breath catches as Kurt starts to circle around his oversensitive, hardened nipples.

Blaine groans and forgets about the lube, tossing his head back to rest on Kurt's shoulders and letting his husband do what he does best. Kurt begins to nibble on Blaine's earlobe while whispering softly into his ear.

"You're mine forever and ever," he says. "You're so beautiful, so incredibly beautiful. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. I want to show you how much I love you."

Kurt's fingers trail down his chest and past his bellybutton to cup Blaine through his underwear.

"These have to go," Kurt says. He moves away from Blaine and moves off the bed to retrieve the lube that Blaine had failed to find, purposely bending over to go through the duffle bag so that his perfect ass is at Blaine's eye level. Blaine can't be held accountable for wanting a taste. Blaine leans forward and licks up his left cheek. Kurt jumps a bit before turning around and glaring at Blaine.

"You're distracting me," Kurt says, pretending to be upset.

"_You're_ distracting," Blaine shrugs. It's not his fault Kurt's ass could be made into one of those marble Greek statues.

Kurt rolls his eyes and pushes Blaine back down on the bed. That's when Blaine hears the sound of a cap being opened. Blaine watches as Kurt carefully coats his fingers being careful not to let any extra lube fall onto the bedspread, Kurt likes to make sure things are clean.

"I'm going to make you scream," Kurt says, smacking Blaine just hard enough on the ass to sting. "I can't let you get away with teasing me like that."

"I'm sorry," Blaine says, but they both know it's a lie. Blaine always finds new ways to incur Kurt's wrath. He enjoys it a little more rough, though he's never admitted that out loud.

"Yeah, I bet you are," he says, nudging at Blaine's legs so that they spread more.

Blaine bends his knees and sets his ankles wide apart so that there is plenty of room to accommodate Kurt. Blaine inhales sharply as the first finger begins to make its way inside of him. It's tight, like always, but Blaine lives for the delicious burn.

"Remember to breathe this time, love," Kurt says, stroking his check gently, a sharp contrast to the way he's started pumping his finger in and out of him. Blaine blushes; trying to forget the time he'd almost passed out when he'd held his breath too long and Kurt had been a little bit too seductive for Blaine to handle.

Blaine takes shallow breaths trying not to move his hips, trusting Kurt to take care of him.

"You're so gorgeous like this," Kurt says adding a second finger and licking at Blaine's balls. Blaine begins to writhe, just wanting Kurt inside of him already.

"Please," Blaine says, his voice husky and dark. "Just do it."

"Not until you're ready," Kurt says. He starts working quicker though, scissoring his fingers to stretch Blaine out faster before adding his third finger.

"I'm ready," Blaine bats his hand away. Kurt hands Blaine the condom, which Blaine rolls on. Then Kurt pours some lube onto Blaine's hand, moaning loudly when Blaine begins to work it over his painfully hard dick.

Soon Kurt is trying to roll Blaine onto his stomach, but he refuses.

"I want to see you," Blaine explains, and that's more than enough explanation for Kurt who just pushes at Blaine until they are both laying back down again.

Blaine wraps his arms around Kurt, grabbing onto the back of his head to pull him in for a deep kiss. He groans as Kurt starts to push into him, feeling himself stretching out slowly. It burns, but Blaine likes it. He doesn't ever want it to stop, that first reminder that Kurt's really inside of him. It's the same burn and stretch he got the very first time they ever had sex. They've gotten better at preparing each other since then but every time it's always so tight and warm and intoxicating.

"More," Blaine whines once Kurt finally bottoms out. He begins thrusting, hard and fast, neither of them prepared to last long after all of the buildup.

"Fuck," Kurt yells as he starts to pound harder, deeper and soon the entire bed is shaking and the headboard is slamming against the wall. Blaine continues to moan loudly and Kurt keeps yelling the most inappropriate, but arousing, things.

Blaine really prays nobody can hear them because he can't even try to control himself. They rarely get to be like this, completely uninhibited. Usually they have to bite down even the smallest whisper of sound so they don't wake the kids. They don't have to worry about that tonight. There will be seven glorious days filled with the loudest, kinkiest sex they've ever had without having to worry about potentially traumatizing their kids.

Kurt reaches down to stroke Blaine and it doesn't take long before Blaine is seeing stars. Trembling and groaning as his come hits Kurt in the stomach. His ass clenches tighter around Kurt. Kurt lasts a few more thrusts but he's right behind Blaine, screaming as he finally lets go. They collapse into a tangle of limbs.

"Do you think we'll still do this when we're old?" Kurt asks, his voice is barely a whisper as he catches his breath again.

"It'll probably be a little bit more difficult, but I'll buy us Viagra if I have to," Blaine teases, rolling out of bed. Kurt whines, reaching out get him to come back to bed but Blaine has to clean them up first. There's only so long Kurt's willing to lie and be cuddly before he starts complaining about the mess. Blaine's learned long ago it's better not to wait for that to happen.

Blaine hands Kurt a glass of water and cleans him off with a wet washcloth.

"I love you," Kurt says, handing Blaine the glass of water back so he can take a sip of his own.

"You've said that once or twice," Blaine laughs. He leans over to give a chaste kiss.

"Well I'll say it again. I'll say it in every language. I love you. Je t'aime. Ti amo. Te quiero. S'agapau—"

Blaine cuts him off with another kiss.

"You're crazy," he laughs. "But I love you, too. Who knew marriage would make you so sappy?"

"I'm just really happy today," Kurt says, wrapping his arms around Blaine and holding him close.

"Me, too."

"Good, I'm glad. I mean..." Kurt trails off, and Blaine lifts his head to look at him.

"What?"

"I was just scared that today would be rough for you," Kurt admits.

Blaine knows what he's getting at. He knows that he hasn't exactly inspired confidence, considering he's freaked out over every major change in their life. Hell, he'd expected to panic today as well. But he never did. This was one decision that he never had to question.

"Well it wasn't," Blaine says, snuggling in closer.

"Did you read the letter I left for you?" Kurt asks, clearly fishing for more information.

Blaine nods.

"Tomorrow," he says, kissing Kurt's chest. "Today I just want to enjoy our first night as husbands."

"Husbands," Kurt repeats with a dreamy smile.

They kiss again, letting their tongues scrape against teeth. They roll around and kiss and nip at each other's necks until both of their oversensitive bodies scream in protest. They aren't as young as they used to be; they can't recover as well. That's all fine and good with them. They don't need to have sex every five minutes to prove their love for each other. There have been enough tears cried on each other's shoulders to more than prove that.

It's hasn't always been an easy twenty-one years of knowing each other, but Blaine wouldn't change it for anything in the world. There were countless goodbyes, but somehow they always found their way back to each other. Blaine knows that no matter what happens, they always will.


End file.
